Our Hash scribets have had had a perfect system of recently. They schedule Occasional Rapist when she is either on vacation or about to head out on vacation, so I get to do it instead. Last time Occasional Rapist was scheduled to be the scribe she was working from Las Vegas. This time she was headed to Rotan Honduras for a scuba diving trip in less than 36 hours after the Hash. I’m supposed to be getting some compensation for being her replacement, but it has not happened yet.

During this past Thursday’s Hash it had completely slipped my mind I was the scribe. I was reminded from Honduras on Sunday I had agreed. So, anything I write now must have been really noteworthy. Occasional Rapist misadventures in Honduras seem much more interesting right now, but you’ll have to ask her about those when she gets back. I am also interested to hear about our adventurers to Bay to Blackout. I am sure those details will be forthcoming soon as well.

Hash 743 started from the hotel bar of The Dream Inn called Jack Oneil’s lounge. The Dream Inn will always be memorable for me as it’s where I consummated my current marriage. Of course it is quite nice, so I’ll probably never have an occasion to spend another night there.

This area of Santa Cruz is turning into a popular hashing spot of recent. Of course we had just been by here last Saturday for The Red Dress run. Hash 733 also started at Jack Oneils and Hash 732 went close by. Hash 744, The Big Lebowski, this next Thursday is in the neighborhood as well. I am happy to report that at least hash 745 will be not be in the vicinity. It will be in Scotts Valley.

Today’s Hash was supposed to be set by Achy Breaky Snatch and step dad New Kids on My Cock. She informed me that since she signed up, he job hours have changed and she has to work 4:30 – 12:30, so will not be seeing us for a while. Twisted Fisted filled in as a stunt hare.

As I sat at the bar next to Cumz out my Nose at the start, she informed me she had spotted the hares pre-laying. Their comment was, it is fucking hot! Is not the temperature the same for the pack as for hares, or did the hares think there is a dramatic temperature shift between when the hares leave and when the pack leaves? While the hares were worried about the temperature, apparently the one thing they did not take into consideration was the tide.

While trail seemed to be commonly observed as a cluster fuck by the pack, I missed the fucked up part. There was a check in front of the wharf and a long ass false to Neptune’s Kingdom at the Boardwalk. I suspected the hares really meant Back Checked, so I headed up Cliff Street, then left on 2nd. I figured to hit trail somewhere by Depot Park. At Depot Park, I saw Hashers retreating on the railroad tracks. In my mind, this left one option open to the hares – take West Cliff Drive and return via Neary Lagoon.  So, I took Neary Lagoon to where I had been the host for the hurricane check outside of Neary Lagoon for The Red Dress Run. No marks there, so I stuck my tail between my legs and took Bay back towards West Cliff, figuring to find trail somewhere along the way.

Back to West Cliff, and I still found no trail, so I headed back towards the last known mark and found where disaster had struck. I found pack marks towards the beach and Thmp-Thmp retreating.  Apparently, there was a liquor check down a ways, and trail was supposed to continue on and up the stairs.  However, the tide had come up since the hares were there, and the trail was impassible. That is, unless you are Puff. If memory serves me right, the last time a hare tried this technique, was Cockiss with Hash 100. On that day around 12 years ago, Puff wrote:

If we had the feet of a mountain goat, we might, and I mean might, just be able to scratch and paw our way up the rocks used as a breakwater. I’m not swimming to the stairs at Lighthouse Point so I’ve no option really. By holding on to the hound in front and forming a human chain, eventually all hounds reassembled on West Cliff Drive and continued westward ..

On this day, Puff decided if he had done it 12 years ago, he could do it again, and scrambled down the rocks to the stairs. All others retreated and looped around to West Cliff.

From there is was a fairly uneventful trail. There was a back check 7 and back check 11 though from our villainous hares along the way though. The trail looped through the neighbors, through Lighthouse Field to a liquor check (Whisky) across West Cliff and a back check 11 which Shallow Hole and I found. Shallow Hole and I grabbed the Whisky knowing no one else from the pack would come there. Beer check was soon discovered in the trees in Lighthouse Field.

Rumor has it, beer check was inhabited by numerous mosquitoes. However, I have been in many places in the world where many people have been attacked by mosquitoes and I have felt none. So, I noticed none.

Eventually, we reconvened under the railroad tracks across from the start for religion. RA number 1, Accuprick, was not there. RA number 2, Dung Fu Grip, showed his snout at the end but had not done trail. So, RA number 3, Timmy was elected and he elected Finger Nips as his beer fairy.

Pink Cherry Licker got her 69th Hash patch and she appeared to pickled pink about it.

We had one Virgin in Virgin Andrew. He’d heard about the Hash via friends in DC and found our local Kennel on the Internet. He told some lame joke.

He had travelers from afar (Lake Tahoe) in Dickens Chickens and Cheek and Dong. Cheeck and Dong has an interesting memory. He thinks his hash count should be around 25, but in fact, it is 4.

The On-On-On was a South Beach Pizza. May the Hash go in Peace!

A Birthday Hippie, a Hill and 2 Namings!

It was a memorable trip up to Boulder Creek this week.  Hashers took over the bar area of the Boulder Creek Brewery.   It was Hugh Heifer’s birthday and she chose the start location based on where she thought she would get the most free drinks.  Cum Lord was her Co-Hare. 

Creekers like Pussy Galore, Mortal Enema, Shut Up and Run Bitch, Too Drunk to Fuck, Broke Bench Mountain, Mass Storage Device and Just Jeff showed up.  Just Jeff thought it was a pirate hash and showed up in full regalia.  I saw Goat Blower briefly outside the bar.  She said she couldn’t stay because she had a band gig.

We were told there would be a runners trail and a walkers trail.  According to my GPS, the runners trail was 2.33 miles, went into the woods and straight up a big ass steep hill.  After the pointless climb, hashers took the treacherous trek down the steep, slippery slope.

The easiest way seemed to be sliding down on our asses.  Despite the drought, there was a little water in the creek.  Hugh was down below at the liquor check.  Word on the street was the walker trail was carrying stuff up to beer check.  She told hashers to continue going down until we found beer check.  There was no flour, but we figured it out.  Broke Bench Mountain had to carry is trusty dog Porter to beer check.  We thought Puff was lost, but he finally showed up.  We couldn’t call him because there was no cell service in that location.  But then of course, the dinosaur doesn’t have a cell phone!  I don’t think the mountain lions would get him.  They would take one sniff and run away.

Religion was on a street.  It was getting dark and drizzling out.  Accuprick was RA and Cumcerto was Beer Fairy.  First called up hashers who fell on trail, Accuprick, Fap Jack, Just Shane.  Backsliders Mother’s Little Felcher, Cum Lord, Pussy Galore, Mortal Enema, Shut Up and Run Bitch, Too Drunk to Fuck were punished.  Pink Cherry Licker, Princess Di (arrhea), Just Carolyn, Just Shane and Just Jeff.  They all did a shot and a beer.  The Human Pube celebrated his 25^th Analversary.

We had 2 namings!

Just Carolyn said she “sold stuff on ebay”.  Hashers quickly decided she was obviously selling porn and dildos.  She was named Discunt Dildo! 

Just Kevin is a music student at Cabrillo who lives with his parents.  According to his cohorts, he likes to smoke “moles”.  A bowl with pot and tobacco.  He was named

Mole Blower!  Welcome to the hash!  And last but not least, the Hares……………

Happy Birthday to Hugh Heifer, our Lovely Beer Meister!  Thank you for never buying Budweiser and keeping the beer trough full of cold ones for our enjoyment.

On On,

Shallow Hole

Hash #738

This week we started of at Tacos Moreno in Crapitola. There was a special on pitchers, $10 and that includes chips and salsa, if you’re willing to wait half an hour to get a glass. We had a few visitors from the south, Scalded Squirrel and Bromancing the Mangina. The got to enjoy another beautiful spring evening here in Surf City.
The trail started of with a check that took us over to the mall, where we searched in vain, finding only dead ends and old shopping carts. Finally someone dodged traffic back across Capitola Road to find trial going that way. Did it make sense? Not really, but we found it. From there trail wound around the neighborhood. There were a bunch of “Amanda Jackson-Miller for school board” signs on people’s lawns. Fuckedoverfest dubbed her “Amanda Action Jackson). (But on a serious note please vote for her if you live in the Soquel School district. She likes schools and kids and learning and she’d running against a crazy-tea-party-nut-bag who doesn’t believe in public education and pushes her dog around the neighborhood in a stroller).
From there we headed down into Capitola Village. There was a false down at the end of the pier and even though they knew there was nowhere that trail could go, Dog Breath urged Twisted Fister to keep going down to the end. Maybe there was a liquor check. Maybe they were supposed to jump off the end and swim. Nope. It was a false. The liquor check turned out to be on the stairs going up from the beach. It was Malibu rum. Mmmmmm….tastes like sin screen and hangover.
We went up the stairs, across the railroad tracks, and into the jewel box for a bit, before ending up at beer check. As I strolled up with the rest of the DFLs (and found that Fap Jack had squirreled me away a Mike’s, yay) everyone kept asking, “Where’s Acuprick?” We hadn’t seen him since the beginning of trail. Wicked Retahted was missing too, but that was no surprise. I said that Accu was probably hanging out with his BFF, but others were skeptical until we arrived at beer check and there they were. All of Surf City should know by now that Accuprick and Wicked Rethated are thick as thieves. Accu’s story goes that he wanted to give Wicked a chance to be a leader and read the marks. That went about as well as you’d think it might and they wandered around lost for a bit before heading over to beer check.
Religion was held at the house of a friend of Occasional Rapist. Thmp Thmp passed out our new happicoats! They are awesome. We had two analversaries, Cumcerto at 50 and Thmp Thmp at 125. We had a naming, and Just Janna will forever be known as Hooker on Kronix, Bitch. dBASED totally fucked it up in the Hash Count, but it’s still a very cool name. He left out the most important part, the comma! We decided early in the naming, that whatever the name it would be followed by, bitch. Dung Fu Grip decided to reward our host with a song “Her, her. Thank her,” and DogBreath rewarded him with a full beer dumped over the head. Then Dung Fu shivered. And the Hares! dBASED and Occasional Rapist were brought up for their shitty trail.
On, on, on was back at Taco’s Morenos.

On on,
PCL

The trio of hares for this hash, Pink Cherry Licker (PCL), Shallow Hole and Twisted Fister had us start at the Red Room downtown. By the time the hares had left for trail, the bar was packed! It was a great turnout, and most hasher’s did don some type of head gear that represented some type of lampshade. Wet Fereal Pussy was the most creative, and it fit her name (and her profession). Lot’s of people got creative in their style of decor. We had 4 new virgins: Aaron, Nancy, Marisol and Jeremiah! It was nice to see a few backslider’s also like Finger Nips, New Kids on my Cock, Hairy Potter and Choka Cola! Trail proceeded down the Pacific Mall by New Leaf and then toward’s the levee, on the far side down Soquel toward’s–you guessed Riverside Lighting & Electric, for our anal Lampshade Photo Check.  We had instructions at each check where a small lampshade cup type thing had written instructions of what to do. At the photo check there was red plastic dixie cups that we’re passed out. Why? I got excited, I thought wow already we get a drink treat. But alas we just carried the damn thing. Running with a lampshade can be challenging to say the least, so many of us wanker’s did the walking thing. We headed toward’s San Lorenzo park down by the courthouse, past over Water and continued on the Levee until close to the Prison where we had Liquor Check. There was a giant ass Sky Vodka Bottle, and the first thing I thought was, I wish there was juice to chase it with.  I mean what was all the fuss about wasting a red plastic cup anyhow? We can just swig from the bottle like we always do. Well in the end there was juice (what kind we’ll never know) but apparently we didn’t read the instructions enough or the chalk signs, as well before LC there was chalk signage telling us where the juice was (in a bush?). We then proceeded towards the Sash Mill, and up over the foot bridge over Hwy 1 (by Holy Cross Church). Once we crossed the bridge we realized BC must be near as we thought oh PCL lives close by! Sure enough that is where BC was! We all gathered in the dark in her yard drinking into merriment in our lampshade get-ups. I measured ~ 2.5 miles, my trail map does not include the long ass walk back to Religion which was on top of the River Street Garage. Cuff my Muff was RA and her beer fairy Hairy Potter. First up to the alter was Dung-Fu Grip, to celebrate his analversary with sch3 50th Hash!, and to suck down some beer with chips for flavor out of his brand new vans! Yeah man! Other analversaries was Wicked Retahted’s 69th Hash with us! Finger Nips, drum role please, 175Th hash run with surf city! Get a life, get a life,  get a life life life!! OK and then the namings. Just Mike and Just Daniel it was both their 5th Hashes with us. So we started with Just Daniel, many names we’re offered but in the end we chose, “Giant ASexual”! As it was discovered he likes the Giants and the A’s! Welcome to hash my man. Unfortunately (or maybe its  good thing) Just Mike’s naming was shelved, too much information to name two in one night we like to take our sweet time! Next up the Virgins! Aaron said a joke I think, Nancy sang some song? Marisol told a joke too, but funniest thing of all was Jeremiah whom added “What is orange in the front, hairy in the back, and beautiful all over?” Then he dropped his drawers and showed us his orange cloth and white ass! LOL, a hasher is born. And the Hares! Thanks for the fun! On on we went to Woodfire Pizza where we made so much noise at our table we almost got kicked out, Trivia was going on, LOL, shhhhit.

On On see you wanker’s at Bocci’s Cellar tonight!

Occasional Rapist

Last week we met at the end of some road in Scott’s Valley. We jammed out to Electric Labia Land’s mini speaker and did our best to drain the trough before the trail began. Some folks we hadn’t seen in awhile showed up, Cum Lord, Slownad, The Human Pube, Shiny Snail Trail (with her mom, Virgin Carolyn), Achy Breaky Snatch, Fucked -Overfest, and three visitors who were taking a class in Monterey, Virgin Maxine, Virgin Chris, and Cock Chaser (known to his virgins as Cock Follower).
We headed down a dirt path, into the woods. After coming back from a false, we climbed up a horrible muddy hill before discovering that trail actually went down an easy little road. That was the end of the trail being easy as we headed up and down, up and down, on a trail that wound around through the woods. We crossed a creek several times, avoided poison oak, and tried not to fall in the mud.
We passed many points of interest, marked by numbers. Unfortunately, our hares, D’BASED and Occasional Rapist, failed to hand out the trail guide. I did some research and here are some of the things you could have seen. 19- Chinese Redwood: There are three species of redwood tree. This is a dawn redwood, indigenous to China. 18 -The Lover’s Trees: If you look up at these two tree they form the shape of a heart. 17: This tree was burnt in a fire in the 70’s. You can see how the middle of the tree has been consumed by fire, and the bark still survives. 16-Poison Oak Glen: Why not have a frolic? 15-Look carefully and you can see symbols carved into this tree by hobos in the 1930’s. Most of them were driven out of these parts after the Great Hobo Uprising of 1941. 14- Harry Love’s Grove: This grove was a favorite spot of Captain Harry Love, head of the first law enforcement agency in California and name sake of Love Creek. He kept a man’s head in a jar on his desk. 13- See that tree? No you don’t, because it has a cloak of invisibility. 12 – It’s that plant from Little Shop of Horrors, feed him, Seymour! 11- This tree is very tall. 10- This tree is very tall, but not quite as tall as number 11. 9 – General Hooker’s Tree: Civil War soldiers used to pick up prostitutes at this tree. Not during the war, because that wasn’t fought here, but later probably. 8- Stargate: Pretty self explanatory, it’s a portal to ancient Egypt or something. 7- Tanbark Oak: The Ohlone Indians ate the acorns from this tree. But don’t try them without cooking them first or they are poison! Aren’t you glad you have a pamphlet to tell you what is poisonous? It would be irresponsible to sent people out into the woods without this pamphlet. 6 – This is a good place to hide in the event of some sort of zombie plague. 5- Haunted Campsite. 4 – There is no 4. 3 – This tree was saved from loggers by some fairies. They made a movie about it called Furn Gully.
After going past all of the numbered tress (which you are now well versed in) we found ourselves in some sort of amazing Christian summer camp. There was a fantastic ropes course hanging from the trees. I’m surprised Dung Fu Grip wasn’t up there immediately. Actually, I don’t know that he wasn’t because I was miles behind by that point, but I didn’t hear about it and he doesn’t have any plunging related injuries so I assume it didn’t happen. But we all wanted to.
We finally found ourselves in the perfect setting for a horror movie, a summer camp in the off season at night. But it was really nice. They have a water slide and fancy outdoor lighting. And Canoes. We circle jerked around there for awhile, crossing many, many bridges,

before finally making it to beer check, back near that awful muddy hill.
Religion was back at the start. Timmy was RA and I was his beer fairy. We had three Virgins. Virgin Maxine told a joke, Virgin Chris showed us his butt, and Virgin Caroline showed us her tits. People drank for other things. A good time was had by all. On on on was at Salsa’s, home of the Giant Burrito!

See you all at the Red Room for the Lamp Shade Run!
PCL

This week, our Hares Banana Basher and Cuff my Muff brought the pack to Beer Thirty Bottle Shop & Pour House.  This cool new watering hole in Soquel features good beer, large outdoor area and a fenced doggie play yard.  The hash proved that green is the new black and it’s never too late to celebrate St Patrick’s Day.  Whether you’re Irish or not, it’s an excuse to drink.  Hashers never need an excuse to drink.  And St Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.  He’s a pretty cool dude in my book.  A few folks showed up at the bar, but didn’t do trail.  There was Ruby Red, Suck Cockran, and my lazy ass husband Waxi Pad.

Trail was 2.36 miles according to my GPS.  It went down Porter St, through the back door of JJ’s, out the front door of JJ’s and out to Soquel drive.  We crossed the street to Center St for a brief liquor check of Jameson.  Then continued back to Soquel, up the hill to Capitola Ave, where the FRB’s found a back check that said Bellevue.  The bastards made the pack turn around and run a half mile before they found Bellevue.  Shortly after that, there was a Beer Check at Lions Park.

Religion was in the parking lot across from the bar.  Accuprick was RA and appointed Butt Balls his Beer Fairy.  The first down down was awarded to the hashers who did not wear green.  The 2 Virgins, Kathy and Paul showed up in street clothes.  Wicked Retahted demonstrated how to do a proper down down.  He’s had a lot of practice.  There were 2 Analversaries.

Banana Basher was honored for his 100^th haring.  He was awarded a Surf City cooler filled with PBR!  Whoo Hoo!  You think he would’ve come up with a better trail with all of that experience!  Cuff my Muff celebrated her 175^th Surf City Hash.  Get a life!   Virgins Kathy and Paul told shitty jokes.  Backsliders, Barstool Bush and Twinkle Tush made them cum.  Speaking of backsliders, Barstool bush didn’t know where she’s been.  Twinkle Tush has been hiding out under a bar stool.  Butt Balls blamed the Japanese for why he hasn’t been cuming to the hash.  Bailas con Burros blamed Banana Basher for why she hasn’t been hashing.  The pack sang a sad rendition of Happy birthday to Just Lynette.  Dung Fu Grip was accused by dBASED of chivalry on trail.  He rescued the virgins.  They almost got lost at the back check.  dBASED also drank.  There was shit on trail.  Cuff my Muff kicked the shit on the sidewalk.  Twat Did You Say? either stepped in the shit or accused Accuprick of shitting on the sidewalk.  Electric Labia Land was called up for no apparent reason.  Accuprick dropped a beer bottle on the ground and drank it like a shotgun.  And last but not least, the Hares………….

On On,

Shallow Hole