Hash 932: Mawwiage

October 30, 2017Uncategorizeddbased

Holy Sweet Matrimony, Wedded Bliss and all that Crap.

So DBased and Occasional tied the knot four years ago in some secret ceremony.Since none of us were invited to the actual wedding they decided to let us all in on their extreme love drunk escapades by re-enacting their honeymoon by inviting all of us to trudge around in the darkness searching for some cheap champagne and a confetti condom. We all wore headlamps as a show of solidarity to DB for his valiant effort to find the hole. I am sure that there was some sort of Geocache type prize in there. You know he likes to go on wild goose chases and sign his name on a tiny scraps of paper as proof of his finds. Most likely he tattooed his name down there so he can gaze upon his precious treasure every day!! I think he may be a bit obsessed with that game. Then again he is also obsessed with Hashing too. I think there is a pattern here.

Anywho……..We all gathered in force to celebrate the momentous anniversary but first had to decipher some navigational way points in order to find the start.

Gosh darn this game thing can be a bit annoying. My Uber driver was less than thrilled.

Can’t just give us an address…….NO Sir…that would be too easy for us half-minds. Gotta make us work for our beer. Speaking of beer…..it was stuck in traffic………along with most of us. So much for living in a sleepy little beach town.

Once we all managed to find the start off we went…..through the woods and over sandy hills. We were treated to a most spectacular sunset and a few stopped for photo ops.

Back on trail we found the dreaded railroad tracks again….however we were pleasantly surprised to find them needle and litter free. Capitola sure does know how to discourage the riff raff.

Beer check was staged at a lovely little overlook and the champagne was flowing, along with Dbased’s little sweet nothings which he kept whispering to his glowing bride.

I just envy them….such a perfect couple!! And he is so so affectionate. Too much PDA is never a bad thing with them.

Back at religion we officially celebrated their anniversary to the tune of El Camino….which seemed appropriate at the time.

We also celebrated the year’s Beer Meisters: Thump Thump, Princess, Just Foot Pussy and Bacon Q and I think Broke Back and Cums was mentioned as well. Sorry but I was a bit too looped from all the bubbly to take accurate notes.

Then they called me up there for something….I have no clue why but I gladly drank some of the shitty beer just to be a good sport.

Pinky screamed on trail – actually it was on the RR tracks just after we left Beer Check. We thought it may have been Occasional getting some in the bushes but sadly it was just a huge rat running for his life, away from the Hashers.

So Rat Pussy and Pinky got a down down.

Shallow Hole celebrated a mere 269 hashes…Get a Life.

A few folks thought it would fun to shortcut, not once…but twice. That would most likely be Thump Thump and Princess – those clever and sometimes clueless ex GM’s. Somehow they also managed to be FRB’s and then DFL’s. Perhaps all the love in the air also drove them to get a piece on trail.

In addition to a piece or two on trail there was also PEE on trail…MR JFP! SoPizzOnYa and ShitOnYa….In Russian that means I love you….again in keeping with the theme of the evening. I just love romance.

Virgin Carla wowed us with a a joke so memorable that I actually remembered it.

What is the difference between a G-Spot and a Golf Ball?

A man will actually look for a golf ball!!!!!

Oh yeah…go ahead and laugh.

And so here is to that elusive G-Spot…..Make sure the batteries in your headlamps are fresh and toast one or twelve to the happy couple and hapless hares….DBased and Occasional Rapist.

Thanks for the mammories you crazy couple.

Sweet ON ON ON’s…..

CumFartZone.

Hash 931: Nautical Nonsense

October 26, 2017Uncategorizeddbased

A perfect day for sailing into the end of summer with a nautical themed hash. Sadly, only one person got the memo…..that would be the Princess. She was resplendent in her blue and white striped yachting attire with matching captains hat. The rest of the ruffians were in their usual tired, tattered and smelly running rags. Princess and Cum You Will Not are in a race for the years best dressed hasher.

As folks milled about the Blue Lagoon, the hares made a beeline for the front door to check on their pre-laid trail.

At the appointed time the pack took off….Luckily Vag spotted them earlier trying to lay a false….so he knew which direction we should head. Vag saved the day and hours of wandering aimlessly.

Thankfully it was an easy trail. I missed last week but I heard it was brutal. So the pack was in a good mood as we meandered through lovely neighborhoods, chatting among ourselves.

After about 2 easy miles, we did cum upon a rather large 69 strategically placed at the home of Bacon Queef and Just Foot Pussy. We also combined our creative juices to draw encouraging and racy messages to JFP & his sexy wifey. He later made us a thank you video.

Most of the pack backtracked to the start….and then onto the beer check location.

Turns out that Jizz had no idea what the “69” meant….Imagine that! He still is pretty virginal.

So he follows blindly follows Princess hoping to be clued in on the magical meaning of “69”. And then magically Puff shows up out of nowhere and joins this merry band. They all manage to show up at Beer Check DFL.

We were told that Religion would be at Seabright Beach….but technically we never made it onto the beach. Instead we walked a mere 20 steps to the end of the overlook parking lot to engage in Religion.

Bakers and DBased led the evenings proceedings.

A few folks missed the LC….like Wicked and Flip Flop. But most did not – including TestaCoil and Real Boring Bitch cause they won’t pass up free booze no matter how horrid it tastes.

We recognized people who can’t count to 69. There was mention of Timmy and his special needs.

And Project Cumway was called out for something…..maybe it was also 69 related.

Snake Me Anywhere had to be different and drink wine instead of beer because her standards are low.

Seems she fits right in with this crowd.

Princess, Jizz and Puff got a down down for holding hands, skipping into beer check and for chivalry on trail.

How sweet.

Backsliders were Ska Skank, Wicked, Project Cumway…but there was a lot of complaining about too much head on the beer. It is always something with this crowd. Can’t please everyone.

Dbased lost his precious headlamp but CumFart found it and thus we sang him the Vagina song.

We had an auspicious analversary….Princess logged in at a whooping 269 hashes. AMAZING.

Maybe now she will share the secret of “69” with Mr Jizz.

We cheered our Hares, Pink Cherry Licker and Thump Thump and then we went off in search of more beer and pizza.

On On On

CumFartZone

Hash 929: Chrome Dome Dumb

September 13, 2017Uncategorizeddbased

We started at Moe’s Alley and should have stayed there for the music rather than subject ourselves to another shitty trail.

But seriously it was a blissful trail…only a few measly miles compared to our recent death marches. Apparently the Eagle trail wankers were treated to some cold, frosty delicious drink called a mudslide. I suppose it was worth it as the turkeys got nothing except some twisted ankles and a lot of complaining from a few disgruntled walkers.

Wankers in their natural habitat, the back of a shitty bar

I am not sure what these whiners want out of a hash….a custom air conditioned stretch limo with unlimited beverages and a servant to wipe their ass when they have to take a crap? Grow some balls people otherwise stay home munching cheese doodles and chips from the comfort of your lazyboy.

There was a lovely beer check at the home of stub rub and summer’s yeast plus an opportunity to share in the coveted mudslide libation and use the indoor plumbing.

At Religion, which was preceded over by our infamous Accuprick, we welcomed yet another virgin, Pedro, from Argentina. He showed us his ass…no big deal, but thankfully we were spared a lousy joke.

We had some backsliders…such as TestaCoil, Steamy B and Stub Rub. Just Foot Pussy, playing the beer meister and jokester role, tried to pull the cooler from underneath CumFartZone’s ass just as she was settling in to scribe.

Luckily she has quick reflexes and a medical emergency was diverted. Dog Breath had blood on trail as did Just Foot Pussy…we are calling his injury “wounded knee” in honor of his heritage. Perhaps we should carry a first aid kit on trail. Some lucky wankers got to hear and see owls. See, it pays to do trail and not sneak off early. Many thanks to Steamy and Stub for a wonderful trail. I especially liked the crackling of the power lines above my head.

On On On

Cumfartzone

Hash 930: Dogbreaths revenge

October 30, 2017Uncategorizeddbased

*NOTE: The entirety of this trash is copy-paste from Puff’s flickr photo captions of this trail.

First Responders Today Is Monday, Dual Tools, TIMMY!!, Princess Di(arrhea) and Jizziki unabashedly raided the beer trough with impunity. Due to the Fear Level, only a small pack assembled at Wilder Ranch for another Dog Breath-Baker’s Dozen’t Death March. Co-hare Baker’s Dozen’t mentally concocts the lies he wishes to mislead the pack with for Instructions of Trail. As hares Baker’s Dozen’t and Dog Breath prepared to deliver Instructions of Trail, I noted the heft of their flour bags. I fear even the Turkey’s are in for a visit to mortal Hades this evening!

Eagle Trail hare Dog Breath tells us about the beautiful scenery and history we will see. I fear some of us may become part OF history while attempting this trail. Virgins Obe and Paul listened intently as dBASED explained the marks they may see along trail. As this turned out to be a major Shiggy Fest, they saw little other than flour and, after a hell of a long time, the BN. The most dangerous creature we encountered this evening was our hare-pair. Cum You Will Not and Princess Di(arrhea) were no doubt humming the Beatles’ tune, The Long and Winding Road before reaching the promised waterfall. A few more hundred degree days and it will fade into history though.

The remnants of a large lime kiln were seen, with an LC mark. Sadly, all the Eagles were shorted here as one of the Turkey hounds absconded with the Jagermeister! Stay tuned though, this thieving dog, which turned out to be Cum-you-will-not will be punished during Religion.

Virgin Obe sang a song for Joke, Song or Body Part. Here we see him serenading us with a drinking song from his native Norway. Someone recorded this tune and translated it via a computer program. According to the translation, Obe found us repulsive, foolish and large scale drunkards. Thank you, Obe!! Dual Tools(Up My Ass) and Today Is Monday served the role of ambassadors from the FHAC-U H3. Just an excuse for a free beer knowing these two jokers though. And the hares… Baker’s Dozen’t and Dog Breath. Trail scenery was beautiful but an ATV would have been a vastly superior means of conveyance though. On-on-on was held at Burger.

The vast majority of the pack hit the bar first thing. Yeah, it was a long 5 minute drive here from Religion, I can understand how everyone got so damned thirsty after such a long time without a drink!

On on,

Mostly Puff the Magic Drag Queen, copy-pasted by the worst scribe in SCH3 history Pussy Wood

Hash 928: M-Word Hash Redux, nothing learned from prior mistakes!

October 30, 2017Uncategorizeddbased

*NOTE: Completely&Shamelessly copy-pasted from Puff’s flickr

Real Boring Bitch lectured those that would listen about his expectations for this trail. Incidentally, none were fulfilled. Co-hare dBASED, wearing the same shirt from 4 years ago, gave details about this redo of his M-Word Hash(marriage) to Occasional Rapist. Sadly for us, this trail proved far less successful than has their marriage.

Pearl Necklace’s front yard looked like Sunday Wharf to Barf again but at least no one’s throwing up this time! …yet… Junk Puncher and Hugh Heifer anxiously awaited a check to be solved. Hugh says, I’m not getting any closer to beer standing here!! The San Lorenzo River isn’t sure what to do when it gets to the Boardwalk, part wants to visit the Boardwalk and part wishes to merge with Monterey Bay. A river fording had to happen but luckily no drownings this time around. Even early on Thursday the Santa Cruz Boardwalk was beginning to fill with people. We almost lost trail when crossing the Boardwalk and later learned janitorial personnel ‘cleaned-up’ the flour placed by the hare almost as soon as it was dropped!

Bridge under construction and not safe for pedestrians yet? Hey, not a problem for this hare, just move the damn fence and let the poor hounds fend for themselves as the pack moved across probably illegal property.

Finally we got to the end. Accuprick assumed the role of Religious Adviser and Just Foot Pussy stayed away from the altar as Beer Fairy. RA Accuprick welcomes 1-4 Ho as a visitor whom, I feel I should mention, premiered a new hash song of her own invention for us this night. Backsliders Jizziki, Just Sara, Banana Basher and Pearl Necklace were duly punished.Hugh Heifer was chided for lounging around at the back of circleup swilling-away and not participating in Religion.RA Accuprick details Virgin Eric’s options for Joke, Song or Body Part. He went the joke route. Sorry, harriettes. Hangs Loose drunkenly celebrates his 69th hash with us. He may actually remember it for a week or two as well. Non-runners Pearl Necklace, Deadliest Snatch, Hangs Loose and Broke Bench Mountain were chastised. RA Accuprick allows Dog Breath to take control of the altar and announce his Bring-your-own-pool Pool Party this October. Religion devolves into a discussion over mundane subject matter only made interesting because participants Accuprick and Shallow Hole are intoxicated. Here we see Cuntjungle ‘spooning’ with Poon Doggy. While many of you will find this ‘cute’, personally I found this sight highly disturbing and very unsettling.

Just Sara awaits the RA’s announcement of the result of her naming ceremony. She appears both happy and anxious to learn her hash moniker. Let’s see if that smile survives the RA’s proclamation! Allow me to introduce our newest kennel mate: Bridge Over Troubled Twaters. She appears, well, less than over-joyed shall we phrase it!! We shan’t be divulging THIS to Mom, she’s thinking to herself. Keeping her ‘game face’ on, Bridge Over Troubled Twaters says, At least my name is original! And the hares…the happy groom and bride(plus 4 years) dBASED and Occasional Rapist. Sadly, after THIS trail they were the ONLY one’s smiling! Goodnight from Trail 928. May the Hash go in Peace.

On on,

Puff the Magic Drag Queen and the copy-paster Pussy Wood

Hash 927: NOT a walk in the park!

September 13, 2017Uncategorizeddbased

Well, I was late to the party…..but thanks to Courtesy Flush I was able to find the start location. And

I was able to find an older couple standing guard by Bacon Queef and the entrance to the woods. They seemed miffed. When I showed up they lectured us that we were on private Soquel Water Company property….blah blah blah….Whatever!!….then they noticed the chalk arrows………Cripes, Am I under arrest here?? I am seriously late and now I am being detained by private citizens who are overly nosy. I compose myself, smile and explain nicely that my friends left me a sign and an arrow so that I could find them in the woods….since I was fucking late!

Finally I am released to the dark recesses of the forest….but I am not sure which way to turn. So I am wandering around in poison oak for a while till my beer instincts kick in and off I go…..But I have no idea how far ahead the pack is and I am running out of daylight.

I see the famous “Advocate Tree”…laying on it’s side….so sad…toppled by the ferocious winter storms of 2017.

http://www.tpgonlinedaily.com/historic-advocate-tree-nisene-marks/

I march on, lamenting the tree but searching desperately for another sign, a mark, an arrow, a pile of poop, anything…..and I finally come across the Turkey/Eagle split.

However the turkey is not well marked so I am in a quandary as to which way to go. I make the fatal mistake of taking the Eagle trail only to find myself faced with one of my little fears…..Crossing a huge giant log that stretches for what seems like half a mile over the stream. My backpack is laden with a full liter of some nasty LC liquid, plus my own provisions. I am dreading this log crossing but I have no choice. I am all alone and the light is fading, along with my cell phone service. I take a deep breath, try to steady myself and climb on up as if I am mounting an eager lover. Using calming self talk I guide myself slowly, one foot in front of the other, across the massive tree. Surely Bear Grylls is waiting for me on the other side. I pretend I’m starring in his reality outdoor adventure show and I can not fail. That is not an option.

When I successfully manage to make it to the other side, there is no cheering, whooping it up, fist bumping or high fiving. Only my heavy breathing interrupts the forests silence. Nobody witnessed my greatest feat. Kinda like being the guy whose once in a lifetime fish gets away….Darn it.

Suddenly my private fantasy celebration is hijaked by MacGayver and How much dick do you need. They appear out of nowhere like a desert mirage. MacGayver is furious as he found stinging nettles rather than the proper trail. He is now covered in welts from those nasty weeds. She fared better by not following him blindly into the open field.

But they still do not know the way out of this maze. By some miracle Courtesy Flush appears and offers to lead us back to beer check. We waste no time in hightailing it outta there.

When we finally reach Beer Check aka Religion there is some scuttlebutt about someone(MacG??) not picking up their trash/beer bottles. Bacon Queef is not pleased.

There was a hare snare by Timmy, I think.

Dog Breath came from behind and Bakers made it to the Beer check first ( I never saw no damn Beer check!)

I got some flack for not following up on my promise to Bakers after my last rescue mission.

Religion was short but not sweet.

On After was at Burger.

A fun time was had by all.

On On On,

CumFartZone

Surf City Hash House Harriers

A drinking club with a running problem in Santa Cruz

Hash 932: Mawwiage

Hash 931: Nautical Nonsense

Hash 929: Chrome Dome Dumb

Hash 930: Dogbreaths revenge

Hash 928: M-Word Hash Redux, nothing learned from prior mistakes!

Hash 927: NOT a walk in the park!