I will just quote the trail announcement to set the tone:

Happy Spring!

       That was the only good event that transpired this past week though. Dog Breath stumbled off a aeroplane Monday, updated Google maps after arriving back to his Prunetucky hovel and mapped out a trail while under the influence of an illicit substance. That’s my guess as to how we ended up being dragged through the mud of Pogonip last Thursday. As it turns out, the hills and mud were the LEAST of our concerns. As we stumbled in the darkness down through Wagner Grove, we found the place resembled the Santa Cruz Mountain in the last 1800’s; trees were down all over the damn place. It’s nothing short of a miracle that no one either broke a leg climbing under and/or over one or, worse yet, was crushed a they dislodged one climbing over it.  Almost no one escaped without a dirty scar from this section of trail. Just another reason Dog Breath has 300 hashes with us but a paltry 3 harings. Let’s keep it at that number, what do ya say?

       Next week we will supposedly be in Capitola inside Zelda’s. I don’t know why co-hares Occasional Rapist and TIMMY!! would do this to us but then again they’re only hashers, I should expect no better I guess.

      Personal note to Pussy Wood, no one else need bother read it. I trust my Flash-Trash will assist you in preparing your next lame attempt at Scribing. I’d say feel free to abscond with whatever will help you but by now it’s obvious you’d steal a dog’s hind leg given the chance so I assume I need not give you permission.

       Everyone also has my permission to torture yourself by viewing the Flash for Trail 902. Personally, I’d suggest waiting till Monday, I don’t want you complaining to me that viewing the pictures gave you nightmares.

Good Evening,

       As a general rule, I wish to purge my computer of pictures from the Hash as soon as possible. Certain people have the right to inspect the contents of my hard drive any time they wish to so I believe it best if no photographic evidence of my Thursday evening adventures exists longer than necessary. This week, however, two complicating factors worked against me. The first being the fact I was in Palm Springs last weekend for the (hopefully) annual Hash Springs event. As everyone knows, the OC gang threw the towel in after Betty Ford Rehab Hash number 30 believing their incredible luck would soon run out and it was inevitable some poor bastard would die on trail and they’d be incarcerated for the remainder of their unnatural lives.

       The second reason I retained these pictures longer than usual is it gave me extra time to concoct insults for our hare-pair. These two clowns should have stuck with dating and left haring to those more capable. Which, with the obvious exception of CumFart Zone, is anyone in the club. Any trail that causes physical injury to dBASED is automatically a bad trail. dBASED has been hashing longer than many of our members have even been alive so any trail that does him in is obviously of poor design and even worse execution. The word ‘execution’ does, however, figure prominently in my hopes for the future of these two miserable humans.

       On a completely unrelated note, I wish to applaud Pussy Wood for her spate of Trashes. I can think of no more efficient method of getting people to volunteer to Scribe that by posting such a lame litany of loose literature as she just has. I slapped my computer a number of times thinking it must have contracted some virus, a terrorist plot devised to drive me crazy as such inane babble I have never seen the equal of before. I ran spell checker and in no time whatsoever smoke began leaking from every vent in my computer. It’s final response was that it was only programmed to correct English and what it was viewing was obviously not such.

       Rumor Central contends Hash 903 will originate from Zelda’s in Capitola. Two things to bear in mind if such is true: Where are you gonna park and remember not to drink much as the coppers only have two streets to patrol.

       I bid a fond farewell to Pussy Wood’s scribing and to Trail 901 as well. If you wish to revisit 901, the link below will assist you in such a foolhardy endeavor. If you wish to read Pussy Wood’s Trashes again, I strongly advise you seek psychiatric treatment as your earliest opportunity.

On on,

Pussy Wood merely publishing Puff’s cruel words to her

Wind and rain. It’s April, enough already. ‘Enough already’ is also something I uttered in dismay after about the first mile of this past Thursday’s trail too. Hare-pair Pink Cherry Licker and Fap Jack were actually able to lay a trail whose dreariness exceeded that of the weather. A sad accomplishment but an accomplishment nonetheless I guess. Deep Stroke showed up but declined the ‘opportunity’ to hash upon hearing who the hares were. That’s her most intelligent decision in years I dare say. Maybe her ONLY intelligent one upon further reflection.

       We had the potential of a double-naming but many took umbrage at not being able to question our two victims so only one was saddled with a hash handle. It’s amazing we were able to name even one of our victims considering the lack of respect being shown Religion of late. If you wish to know why things sometimes go awry during the proceedings, look no further than those that wish to needlessly flap their jaws while the VOLUNTEER Religious Adviser attempts to move the festivities along and keep you undeserving bastards entertained. 

       Thursday the thirteenth, which may prove as deadly as a FRIDAY the thirteenth, will feature our globe-trotting lovebirds Little Anal Annie and Butt Balls co-haring and dragging us to Manresa Beach campground. More details will follow I’m certain.

       dBASED reprimanded Puff for being so old and forgetful because I neglected to send out a Flash announcement last weekend. He’s probably correct, I don’t remember anyway. So, the link below will deliver you not only to this week’s Flash but to that of last week as well. Also, as a special added FREE bonus, you’ll receive the three days of the first annual Hash Springs event as well. You now have five free days of hashing to relive.

On on,

Puff’s writing pasted by Pussy Wood

Even though this hash takes place in Santa Cruz county I could swear that we were literally in another state, like South Bumf*ck.

It took forever to go a few miles on some sick narrow one lane winding road to get to this homestead. It would have been easier to have a helicopter lower me down onto the property than to drive those treacherous roads…..and I’m not even talking about what happened as we tried to leave in the pitch dark blackness of the forest. Maybe I’ll talk about that later. It was traumatizing. I now have PTSD along with my usual STD. Grrrrrrr.

So, we all gathered at Drill Me’s forest compound….compounded by lots of parking issues.

The backyard was lovely, the grills were set up, the celebrity chefs were in house, and the knives were flying.

The tables were laden with all kinds of gastronomic delights. Anthony Bourdain would be proud.

After the usual pre trail lubing and butt sniffing, the hares, DBased and Drill Me were off.

Apparently there were 2 trails….one easy peasy downhill saunter for the lazy ass walkers. The other trail was a ball buster or a vaginal tingler, depending on your proclivities. Although it was a mere few miles it was as if we set out on an Ironman event. Up hills, down hills, sideways on hills, jumping across creeks, leaping over logs, scrambling bare knuckled up steep inclines. We braved brambles and poison oak and scorching heat. We trespassed across private property and around deer gates until we finally descended upon the sacred vineyard, where we can set our tired asses down on a hay bale and swig a cold one.

Hallelujah!!

Oh and there was some sort of a view up at the top, but too much sweat was pouring into my eyes and I couldn’t see a thing. Waste of time in my book.

All I cared about was some lousy beer and that beautiful meat waiting for me back at the start. Yes, I am talking about Vaginal Repair Kit!!

After a proper rest and beer check most tackled the severely steep uphill back to the grill masters territory. Some crazy folks hitched a ride with Occasional Rapist and piled into that square box of a car thingy. CumFartZone, Vag and 2F*uckChuck ( the D.O.G ) plus a watermelon, hung on for dear life sitting on the lift gate.

The others squeezed inside in the little tuna can as we heaved up and down the bumpy road. Occasional R. thought it would be fun to do the whole thing in first gear, that is until the clutch started smoking! And we were all yelling “SHIFT!!”….Yes that was SHIFT not SHIT. Although we almost shit in our shorts.

Along the way we picked up a hitchhiking Princes, but she bailed after a few minutes in that lurching, smoking death trap.

Safely back at the ranch we all assembled for a our BBQ’d treats. The chefs called out our orders and the hungry hoard descended upon them like locusts.

After the crowd finished gorging themselves, Religion began in earnest.

Drill me was awarded a fake award for only ever doing 2 hashes….the very 2 hashes she has hared and hosted!! Quite a feat. Not sure that anyone else could top that.

Deadliest Snatch has a whopping 100 hashes under her crab pot and Stub Rub has half that amount, coming in at 50, poor little pathetic stub.

We had many visitors from Silicone Valley although they argued that they were not visitors and that this was really a joint hash…Ok Whatever!! Anything to make them happy and to believe that they are worthy.

It was Dual Tools Birthday so we rightly sang him the appropriate song – The Surf City rendition of “tiny buttholes” sung to the tune of tiny bubbles.

 I believe that one of our own created this catchy tune.

We had a few backsliders…Jizziki – workin and hurtin, ButtBalls, Little Anal Annie, TransCunt, Curtesy Flush, Bareback Unicrack.

Bareback got some sort of a hall pass. I think she and Curtesy have an “open relationship”….nah, not really…just kiddin. Don’t get any wild ideas people.

JunkPuncher ( another D.O.G ) made his last appearance with his doodads intact. I can see you all squirming in your seats right now because ya know what that means. Get out the sharp shiny scalpel and say “Sayanara baby”.

There was talk on naked trampoline antics but everybody was cold….so we tea bagged that idea.

🙁

We thanked our brave chefs, Jizz, Accuprick and ButtBalls.

We raised some serious funds for Second Harvest Food Bank.

We thanked our fearless hares, dBased and Drill Me.

And then we attempted our new tradition of Birthday spanking by creating the SPANK TUNNEL. It was a love fest. I can’t hardly wait for mine. I’ll bring some implements!!!

Apparently some folks….like WORM….had a little issue exiting the parking area. I won’t go into details but it was ugly. Thankfully the search and rescue team (Thump and others) pulled him to safety.

Others had a scary ride home in the darkness facing blinding headlights from oncoming traffic on a one lane road.

Maybe this hash needs to be a daylight event on a weekend DAY….so that people can safely get home.

It is a great event, but once darkness descends it is very tricky to navigate those roads.

Just my 2 pesos.

Nevertheless, thank you all for a lovely enchanted evening.

On On On

CumFartZone.

West Remote Parking lot Deja Vu.

Weren’t we just here?

Oh yeah, we were just there and school was still in session so it was a bitch to find a parking space.

This may be the only nice thing I say about Timmy – he was sober enough to pick a date for his haring adventure that was actually after the school year and thus saved us much stress and aggravation…at least in the parking department.

As to the trail department….well that is another story entirely….which I will only recount bits and pieces.

I am sure he had good intentions, but after hopping several fences and scaling hillsides and dealing with the ever annoying checks –  some of the wankers were lead to a precipitous cliff edge with no visible safe trail to descend. All the clumps of flour led to this spot….but it was quite steep and unsafe…Not to mention the whole place was covered in Poison Oak.

I really thought I was on a Bear Gryls outdoor adventure test. I sucked it up and tried two different routes but after 3 failed attempts I gave up. Nevertheless some fools(Dog Breath and Dung Fu) disregarded my warnings and they leaped off the cliff and others (Pinky) must have slid down on their backside.

Miraculously no ambulances were needed, however Pinky took a mud bath of sorts to attempt PO removal. She learned that technique on one of the popular survival shows.

Maybe we all were on a survival mission and thus the overhead drone was secretly filming our adventures as we talked into our camouflaged hash name necklace microphone.

Perhaps those wandering cows were just the TV producers hiding inside a cow costume. Did you see the size of those cow pies? Pretty realistic if you ask me.

Back at base camp we forgot about the gruesome trail as we shared some trough start beers co-mingled with the religion beers. Who cares as long as we have some friggin beer.

So hard to keep all those different beers separated. Damn renegade beers……..to go along with the renegade cows and the damn renegade hare.

We had a few virgins hell bent on joke telling. Really…..These days is everyone a comedian??

Do they read up on the joke of the day website before they show up at their first hash?

For God’s sake how hard is it to drop trou?

We also chastised Timmy for the missing liquor and beer check.

After that letdown, we had some more sad, sobering news that our fearless RA – Religious Adviser- Dung Fu – is leaving us.

Was it something we said?

Was it the fact that nobody listens to you as you try to scream above the chatter and the din of drunks in a field, drunks on a railroad track, drunks on a bridge, drunks in a playground?

Are you feeling taken advantage of like a cheap whore?

You just give and give and give until there is nothing left in the keg?

You ingrates, you miscreants, you saucy savages, you cry and scream to yourself.

Dung Fu simply can’t take another minute of these whiny bitches and therefore he will be taking his bad ass self out of state. He is leaving and going far far away from you disrespectful weirdos. His passport has been renewed and he is flying the country of Cali.

Well not really….I just embellished this a bit…….but he really really is leaving and now we need to re-supply our Kleenex box because there was not a dry eye in the pasture after his announcement.

If anyone else is brave enough to step up as a temporary replacement, then do so at your own risk.

Otherwise……..safe travels.

On On On

CumFartZone