We had a decidedly delightful trail….for a change. Great weather despite a “heatwave” supposedly taking place all over the state and beyond.
Alohares
This was a Bodacious Birthday Bash disguised as a Hash! We also took full advantage of the Beachy/Hawaiian theme as the Hawaiian shirts and leis were out in full force! Even the dogs got into the theme.
Our Beguiling Beerthday hares were Occasional Rapist and Ho To Housewife.
We began and ended trail at Wicked lovely abode. He had surf songs skipping on the old CD player, chairs carefully arranged around the fire pit and festive food was waiting in the wings. I especially enjoyed his photos of his Mom and Dad that were displayed in honor of their meeting in Hawaii so many moons ago.
Great Aloha spirit for sure.
These two are flamin’
At the “pre lube” most folks dived into the keg, only to have a puzzled look on their faces as lowly wine filled their red solo cups.
WTF??
I thought we were a BEER crowd?
And speaking of beer….apparently some folks got into the beer intended for religion or beer check. We got a serious lecture on that one. Something about troughs.
I am still unclear about the particulars and the rules. Perhaps we need a written missive to clear up the confusion. And another lecture please.
Grrrrrr….but back to the trail adventures.
Fuck you swan haters
Luckily it was short. Most likely due to our newest aging hares who didn’t want to fire up their motorized wheelchairs for this hash. So they took it easy on us. Perhaps it was a mere 2 miles….just enough time to marvel at the views of the ocean and to gloat about living with the cool ocean breeze….despite it being 100 degrees inland.
We had a poignant beer check in the shadow of Jack O’Neil’s iconic green house perched above a famous surf spot.
It was so poignant that you couldn’t tell if folks were crying or just covered in salt water. A slew of hashers dashed into the ocean to cool off….so pets and people were descending upon the hillside dripping wet.
There’s seabright, panther, 4-mile and now wanker beach
Nevertheless it was a delightful pit stop along a easy meandering trail…which eventually led back to Wicked’s for some serious eats…along with CumFartZone’s now famous Pineapple Upside Cake Jell-O shots!
People gorged themselves on delicious Kaluha Pork and rice, some spam creation and cupcakes.
Religion started off with Accupricks excuse of being late in because he had to attend a retirement party.
We had all the folks who jumped or put a toe in the ocean come up for down downs – this may be a partial list….the virgin dude, Dog Breath, Dung Fu, Rat Pussy, Ska, C*unt Jungle, Pinky….and maybe a few more I may have missed.
There was talk about the hash shit.
??**&&?? whatever!
Did someone get this poor pup high?
And we called out Real Boring Bitch for some whistle infraction….I can relate…had the same thing happen to me 2 years ago at Wharf to Barf saturday picnic hash when I stupidly followed Dog Breath or dBased and got lost…which led me to frantic blowing of the whistle in order to get found.
In Real Boring Bitch’s case he was merely LONELY….not lost…although I think he really is lost… a lost soul. Ya know, there are support groups for that.
Dbased was called up for calling “ON ON” after seeing only 2 marks…but it really was a false…So we talked about fake news and a conspiracy theory. Go figure. Thanks Dog Breath.
As a reminder the first and probably only rule
(after the trough rule thing) is NEVER FOLLOW dBASED!!
Some people need to get this tattooed on their arms as a reminder, cause they just don’t learn.
“NFdB”.
Maybe we can get a group rate on some ink.
Wankers getting fired up
We had some visitors from Hawaii….go figure…what are the odds that at our “Hawaii” themed hash we have “Hawaiian” visitors – Master Blaster is in the house. Smells like a conspiracy to me……..but don’t get me started.
We also have some righteous analversaries.
The most auspicious one was for Puff…with a whopping NINE HUNDRED – 900 – SCH3 Hashes!!
Close behind was dBased with 750. Get a life.
Ska is becoming quite the regular with our group in addition to her other travels and has racked up 25 hashes with us as well.
Three terrified virgins showed up and thought that they were on American Idol. Never heard so much singing in my life….and one was quite good. Simon would be proud.
We’ve got virgins!
After all the festivities and birthday wishes….we did get that “lecture”/reminder about BYOB when we don’t start at a bar. This is where the trough term comes in….again clarification and repetition would be helpful….especially when we are told at the END of the evening….after some illicit imbibing…..when we won’t remember what was being said.
I might need a note to take home to my parents.
There was also some confusion regarding dogs at the start and end location.
let’s try to resolve this for future events so that we can all get along.
Other than that it was a fantastic evening.
Aloha everyone
On On On
CumFartZone.
PS – Just about a month – give or take – for Wharf to Barf weekend….and my birthday (July 25).
So get your regos in so that we can have a kick ass event.
For the record….I did not do this trail….but I gleaned enough helpful nuggets to assist me in writing the trash. So here goes.
Lost in the woods, perhaps better to just leave them there
It was a drizzly wet day in the hood so some hoodlum decided it would be a novel idea to go hiking. That chap was Dung Fu….who has clearly lost his grip…..on reality and how to read a trail map. Even in this digital age his coveted GPS couldn’t save him. He started out early in order to scout the route….however he got hopelessly lost and turned around. Something in his gut told him he was going the wrong way and it wasn’t his vegan bean burrito. Instead of looking for an outhouse or as we country folk like to call em…a “shitter”….Dung Fu decides he is now training for Everest and ascends up to the heavens. When he finally realizes that he is in a different country he kicks into high gear and lets those 6 ft long legs fly in order to get back to the start before 6:33 pm.
Plenty of signs to be ignored by wankers
I’m sure it was a wonderful hash along a beautiful meandering trail with overflowing waterfalls, glistening streams and naked butts.
Speaking of butts…..I saw the evidence – the infamous digital evidence of some half minds getting their weekly bath. And speaking of evidence we all got a harsh lesson in privacy thanks to our resident educator. Some things are best left unseen. Especially Dog Breaths hairy ass!!
Hare snare sandwich
I am now seeing a therapist over this tragedy.
As part of my therapy I am now required to fabricate “Pineapple Upside Down Cake Jell-O shots for the next hash. I think they call it “art therapy”.
What a delightful evening with the Birthday Hares….Fap and Shallow. Beerday Hares
This “trail” started off with so many checks that I thought they were advertising for a breakfast cereal.
Every 2 blocks there was a check – Does someone have a Obsessive/compulsive disorder?
Wanker Takeover
I heard that cold smegma was utterly confused by these checks and found himself down by the river where he literally ran into the hares. Only problem was that he didn’t know who the hares were…..so they escaped unscathed.
Bakers D, Rabbit hole, and Dung Fu decided that the magnificently confounding checks were better left to some half minds so they set off on their own “Team Christmas” trail???
Checks for days
The rest of us had to make sure our immunizations were up to date…especially for Hepatitis. Meandering over the rail road tracks is not for the faint of heart. With every step there lurks danger. Discarded needles littered the path along with the usual assortment of junkie homeless trash. All the 2 legged and 4 legged creatures had to be extra vigilant.
Not easy to step gingerly after all those tasty beers.
Moving on, I was told it was supposed to be a 2.25 mile trail but I think they doubled the distance, well just because they can…..and they did.
Along the way, a lazy but resourceful hasher decided a Costco shopping cart was the way to save some miles and thus was forcefully and gleefully pushed along by 2 other wankers.
Twat Did You Say having a Garbage sale in her front lawn, everything free to whoever will take it
The light at the end of this tunnel of love adventure was the lovely beer check venue, complete with fruit and nuts and other tasty morsels….plus INDOOR plumbing!!
At Religion we had not one but TWO namings.
Folks gathered the requisite dirt as we crawled along on our little adventure. I discovered that Ms Cat has a fear of vacuums and Just Oscar is trying to live the American dream in his stylish Ben Franklin shiggy socks.
Newly christened “Bunsen Banger”
These poor plebes answered more embarrassing questions and then were led of so we could decide their fate.
According to Puff, who records everything precisely….
Just Oscar morphed into Testacoil – although there is some discussion regarding the spelling of this new name.
Just Cat will now be known as Bunsen Banger.
Newly christened “Testacoil”
We had some hearty visitors from San Diego…they are authentic runners. We could use a lesson from them.
Cum you will Not passed the 25 hash mark and was given a lovely patch.
The non runners and most elegantly dressed were Rat Pussy and Deadliest Snatch. They almost ended up at Ross for a costume change and a new pair of keds.
The Birthday Hares totally represented and were thus rewarded by lots of singing and gifts.
There will, however, certainly NOT be any memorial erected for Trail 912, dBASED or Really Boring Bitch. dBASED likes to create the same fiery furor feeling much like that arising from Moses’ descent from Mount Sinai. After this trail was completed, I felt not furor but fury and the only mount we saw was Mount Herman. There was, however, a considerable amount of descent, closely followed by dissent. Some of those descending descents were of such degrading depths as to have been abandoned by both deer and puma and zip lines have been installed to ease the transportation of humans. I believe both these clowns have fulfilled their haring responsibilities for some time to come.
German Lesson (203) – How to Say “Shit” in German – B1
https://www.patreon.com/germanwithjenny How to say expressions using the word shit in German
I am so traumatized from this mierda that I will keep this report short and shitty.
The rarely photographed puff in his natural habitat
New kids on my cock was supposed to be the experienced hare. Not sure exactly what pearls of wisdom he imparted upon Real Boring Bitch cause it seems that we merely went round and round and had a false trail or two until stumbling onto Beer check at the ocean’s edge. This was the only redeeming factor in an otherwise boring belabored trail.
After watching the dogs roll around in sewage water we went across the street to Boring Bitch’s side yard for Religion. He was totally unprepared for our visit….and it appeared he didn’t even want us to trespass as he set out many explosive canine land mines on the way to the loo.
Beastiality’s best boys!
Our regular Religious Advisors must have been advised in advance as to the deplorable conditions as they did not show up to perform their duties.
Instead we had to contend with Timmy…….who was inebriated and confused and still could not find his beer.
We had a gaggle of backsliders – Rat Pussy, Deadliest Snatch, Vag Repair Kit, Pansy and New Kids.
We had a raucous naming for just wendy – she will now be known as “Squat and Serve”…something to do with working at TCBY yogurt and being on the cheer squad for the Warriors D League. Go figure….it doesn’t make all that much sense to me either but I’m sure she will learn to love her new name.
Also Wankers
On On After turned into CumFart Zone and Vag sitting all by themselves at taqueria vallarta. Everyone else fled to the safety of their homes to disinfectant themselves from all that SHITE!
Why oh why do we blindly believe that any trail hared by Hugh Heiffer will be just a walk in the park, an easy, laid back, maryjane type of trail. She calls it “short and beautiful.”She forgets to mention “immediate elevation gain”.
Pre lube
She has us all meet at the Boulder Creek Brewery to lull us into a false sense of security…everything will be just fine, peachy keen. Life is good up here in the mountains. We got your trailers, your peace posters, your jury rigged electricity and your yard filled with car parts and an old bathtub….plus the requisite blue tarp decorations. It’s a party here 365 not just on Hippies Day of Birth!
So in honor of that little fireball exiting a warm womb we all set off and up. Up being the operative word. UP….UP UP AND AWAY.
How come these trails never go down?
Going into the deep unknown…
Oh it was indeed a short little trail. I was so blinded by the magnificent beauty that I shrugged off my aching legs, my asthma and altitude induced wheezing and powered on and UP. As I was going UP folks were coming down…that magical word….DOWN, thank you Jesus.Thank you baby Jesus. I love DOWN.
They implored me not to go UP….Up to see the “waterfall”….whoop de doo!!
The look of horror on their faces convinced me I need not go UP any further to witness a spectacle of nature. I have been to Yosemite…I do not think I need to see the Boulder Crick waterfall! Thanks but no thanks.
Tiny legged wanker
Those folks were hoodwinked into trekking UP even farther to see a little trickle of water. Hey they could have stayed behind and watched me pee in the woods, if they wanted to see falling water so badly.
So we all scrambled further down towards Beer Check….where we were rewarded with a militia of mosquitoes….munching away on our stinky sweaty skin. And who says you can’t get a free meal around these parts.
Some didn’t even stick around for Beer Check as they were running for their lives….away from those voracious blood suckers – Broke Bench, Bakers D and Duh. Oh and the mosquitoes were pretty bad too.
Finally back at the redwood abode we commandeered, most were gathered around the grill, like primitive mountain men, admiring the days hunting efforts and swilling beer.
Vanilla Ice Ice Baby…
Grub was being served up and the grueling trail quickly faded into a fond memory of pretty waterfalls and scenic creek crossings.
We did Religion, of course..with Dung Fu attempted to scream above the crowd.
Some guy with a passport and a bowl of Pad Thai, possibly named House Knuckle, was here from Thailand. Apparently he has spent the past 10 years in a glutenous purgatory.
We had some lovely virgins who quickly got into the spirit of the hash and plus a gal from New Orleans Voodoo tribe….who did show us her *&^% and $$$ and we didn’t even have to throw beads. We got 2 body parts for the price of one. This despite the crappy dick joke served up by “virgin Tad”, and virgin Caitlain’s bitchy Tampon joke.
Beer!
We applauded the efforts of some serious sleep deprived and mentally unstable hashers who completed a racist event.
We thanked the hosts and gave Hippie Hugh her required Beerthday song plus a lovely parting gift.
We survived the Boulder Creature woods and escaped back to civilization as soon we ran out of beer
Up Up and Away….
Over and Out…
On On
Hugh Heifer Hare
CumFartZone
This weeks beerthday trail will start at the Boulder Creek Brewery Outpost, 13101 Hwy 9. Boulder Creek. A to B and beyond. Trail will be short and beautiful. Then we will all walk together, unlike last weeks trail to religion. There will be food so your drunk asses do not drive off any cliffs on your way home. Of course there will be veggie burgers and dogs besides the cow burgers and what ever the fuck hotdogs are made of. Bring your flash light for the walk back to the Outpost. Good dogs are welcome but have them be ready too get slobber on as the home religion will be held at has a big dog and lots of play area for then to run a muck. ON oN…, Hugh “it’s my Birthday hash”Hippy heiffer with co hares, Get up and run bitch, Too drunk to fuck and our grill master CumLord.
