Hash 900! The theme was 9’s including a fancy package boob check combo shaped like a 9. Fancy. Things got started at the Crepe Place by our hares

Twisted Fister and Thmp thmp and it was all downhill from there. We wandered the seabright neighborhood rather aimlessly and enjoyed a liquor check in banana bashers driveway along the way.

Puff’s house was the predictable beer check and religion was held in the lot behind Lillian’s. Founder Banana Basher was the first to the altar. He made a rambling speech alluding to the success Surf City has enjoyed. This probably refers to the fact no one has ever died on either a dBASED or Dung-Fu Grip trail. He was also given a nod for this 666th hash with surf City. Really Boring Bitch and Just Andy were busted for utilizing technology on trail

. Religious Adviser Dung-Fu Grip has just awarded award patches to Cumz Out My Nose for 250 trails and and Pussy Wood(Scribe Raiser..HA!…hey fuck you Puff) for 50. Later Cumz said she got this patch weeks ago! Virgins Nicole and Antonia mull over their options for Joke, Song or Body Part. No more pictures are required as both went the joke route.

Just Alisha is posed a series of personal questions prior to her naming as she has just completed her fifth hash. However, a question she forced RA Dung-Fu Grip to rhetorically pose became her name. View on. Six of Nine was awarded a down-down not so much for dragging a bottle of vodka with him to the hash but more for not offering a swig to anyone during Religion. Cheap bastard! Here’s our newest member: goddamnit! How much dick do you need?!? (gonna be a l…o…n…g

necklace!)

And the hares… Thmp-Thmp and Twisted Fister. They were cited for excessively boring trail. Much as are they though now that I come to think about it…Somehow the last order of business became thanking the evening’s Beer Fairy, Pink Cherry Liquor. This is an indication of the disorganization experienced tonight.

On on,

Pussy Wood

Talk about lies. This trail was full of them. “Trail will be short!” They said. “It will be fun!” they said (actually I’m not sure they did).

What I do know now is never follow dBased and never listen to Accuprick.

Trail started at El Jardin. Then the bullshit ensued. Right off the bat a YBF to the left and then a long ass trek down 7th.

We wandered around through parks and neighborhoods, over the railroad tracks to beer check where the hares were not present and it was weird. Then the “short” trail that was “A to A'” started getting further away from start…TCnA and I said “fuck that” and walked back to his house to eat and we were told later trail went on another few miles, definitely A+ decision making skills on our part to bail.

I’m sure festivities and stuff happened. Rumor has it (and puff’s hash flash confirms) porn was being projected on the big screen.

TIMMY!! assumed the reins as Religious Adviser and appointed Thmp-Thmp his Beer Fairy. Co-hares Cum You Will Not and Accuprick were accused of scrimping on the vodka in the Bloody Mary’s at Beer Check. Inexcusable! Virgins Chris, Rhonda and Harry were subjected to Joke, Song or Body Part. No pictures remain but there were two drop-trou and one joke. Cum Rash was punished as a severe backslider. Cum Rash may be a long-term backslider but it has certainly not reduced her drinking ability!! Shallow Hole and Hugh Heifer made the backslider list and were duly punished. And the hares… Cum You Will Not and Accuprick. They blamed trail length on a newly-installed and locked gate. It’s a poor workman that blames their tools! Genital Tongs announces trail was long and hard but she likes it long and hard. T.M.I.!

On on,

Pussy Wood

The hash started at Beer 30 and Puff has apparently often wondered, when a rat goes out at night to look for food and spread horrible diseases and it looks up and sees a bat, does it think that bat is an angel?

I don’t think our Rat Pussy sees anything other than Deadliest Snatch when HE looks up. It’s obvious neither of them looked up and saw the stupidity of their trail. This hare-pair became mired in a claustrophobic clutch of cliches.

I can only assume trail went this way and that way around Beer 30. I wasn’t there so I wouldn’t know. There is photographic evidence that that is in fact what occured though!

Analversaries: dBASED at 25 consecutive, Thmp-Thmp reaching 269 and Wicked Retahted up to 150 hashes with us. dBASED remained at the altar because he dropped and broke our Pig Bowl down-down dispenser. dBASED remained at the altar for a third consecutive crime. This time it was for not yelling the on-on until he was five marks past the check. Rat Pussy and Wicked Retahted were awarded downs downs. Rat Pussy for pulling Wicked Retahted out of the cooler after he fell in head first. (Who said ‘head’?) Flip Flops On The Rocks was punished for giving the on-on after just the first mark away from a check.

Just Wendy and Just Chuck were punished for their backsliding ways. Just Kem, whom has just finished his fifth hash, ponders the chance he’ll get a name he can tell his mother and decides it probably ain’t gonna happen! Just Kem can do nothing other than laugh upon hearing the name he will be saddled with throughout his hashing career. Allow Hash Flash to introduce our newest recruit: Real Boring Bitch. Welcome…ya half-mind! And the hares…Rat Pussy and Deadliest Snatch. They both appear well on their way to living up to Rat Pussy’s shirt: I’m drunk alot. Dog Breath, Thmp-Thmp, Princess Di(arrhea) and Accuprick line up at the counter for (in order too) beer and pizza. The last to surrender Trail 898 to the record books: Dog Breath, Princess Di(arrhea), Thmp-Thmp, Accuprick and TIMMY!! They got what they deserved.

On on,

Pussy Wood

PCL took another trip around the sun and thus the hash came out in force to celebrate!

We started at Pono where in true PCL fashion I had a fruity pink-ish cocktail of sort and it tasted better the further I got into it. Trail went off some long amount of time later. We wandered downtown, there was a sake bomb check at that sushi place down pacific whose name escapes me. We wandered some more. There were YBF’s, there were hills, there were plenty of checks that had the pack split in many directions and on the verge of giving up. But then, then there were dirty shirleys at “beer” check and all was forgiven.

Religion was on the top of the locust garageTIMMY!! was busted for using technology during Religion. Today Is Monday’s crime? His acronym, TIM. Therefore, guilt by association with TIMMY!! Analversaries: Jizziki at 69 hashes and Princess Di(arrhea) with an obscene 250 demonstrations of the fact she has no life. Dung-Fu Grip was selected as this evening’s Beer Fairy. Religious Adviser Accuprick presents Virgin Andy with his options for Joke, Song or body Part. Sorry harriettes, Virgin Andy went the joke route for Joke, Song or Body Part. Even though Yellow Prick Load, Ska Skank Redemption and Today Is Monday have plagued our existence innumerable times, we still treat them as visitors. Busted as backsliders: Ho To Housewife, Cock Throbbin’ and Moose Turd Pie were justifiably punished. Moose Turd Pie broke into a rambling, drunken discourse about something only he could fathom. Here we see Beer Fairy Dung-Fu Grip handing him a down-down in hopes it will assist him in passing out dead-drunk.

The ones lucky enough to get a saki bomb before the wait staff was overwhelmed: Cock Throbin’, Cold Smegma Kamikaze, Yellow Prick Load, Fap Jack, Baker’s Dozent, Dung-Fu Grip, Broke Bench Mountain, dBASED and Courtesy Flush. Dog Breath was mocked for complaining his bottle opener was worn out and no longer worked. It was then pointed out the bottle he was holding utilized a twist-off top! Speaking of ‘twisted’…And the hare… Pink Cherry Licker. She was thanked for the ‘party favors’ at Liquor Check and we look forward to having her as hare again…in a year! Moose Turd Pie, soon to celebrate another year alive, most likely anyway, joins Birth Day Girl Pink Cherry Licker in a Happy Birthday down-down.

On on on was back at Pono where shenanigans continued!

On on,

Pussy Wood

Why, a thinking person might ask, did I even go to the hash? My ass is sore as hell from trying to learn to squat with a barbell on my back. It’s pouring rain. The kids are having school drama. It’s 7:15pm and I’ve missed the goddamn start again. All good reasons why a sane and reasonable person would say fuck it, and stay home. Am I a sane and reasonable person? Evidently, I am not.

So I get to the Boardwalk Bowl, park, look for chalk (none found) look for hashers (ditto.) I check inside. No. I look again outside. There it is! The faintest tracing of chalk! The rain, I can see, is going to be a problem. On on! To the boardwalk. And look! A turkey eagle split! Maybe I have a chance to catch up with some turkeys if I hustle. Hope springs eternal.
I follow the turkey trail inside. Nothing. Through and outside. Nothing. Nothing on the boardwalk, nothing on the beach. I am puzzled. I go back outside to look a the split. It’s gone. Did I hallucinate? Possibly. I call Cum Fart Zone in an attempt to gather intel. No joy there, she is playing mini golf and has no idea where trail goes. Well, huh.

I figure the turkeys must have gone a different way than the eagles so I head towards the wharf. I get to the wharf. No trail. Did I miss it? Did the rain wash it away? I give up and come back. By now I’m both wet and warm. So that much is just as promised.
I figure what the hell, and start looking for eagle. Success! There is flour! Wow. Flour works WAY better than chalk in the rain. Ok, so at last I’m on trail, which makes me happy. I follow trail along the railroad tracks to the bridge. Huh. I must have missed a mark, because there’s no way trail went over the train bridge, right?! I take the pedestrian bridge across, and find an arrow indicating trail should depart from the tracks and come to me. DungFu, you are a crazy bastard. You laid trail across the railroad bridge in the rain. Why you try to kill us, friend?

Onward and upward I go, huzzah! Thank goodness for flour. Did I mention that it is raining? And that the chalk is pretty much washed away? I run around a bit, completely losing trail once, find it a few blocks away, and end up on the river path. At the end of the river path there are not just one but two arrows indicating I should go down into the river?! What’s with the murder trail tonight, DungFu? Is there something you wanna say? Spit it out, man!
I decline to go wading into the river. There is no more trail. I cast around and finally find a faint trace of arrow on the other side of Soquel. Yay! I’m on trail again! I encounter many wet and sad homeless people near San Lorenzo park. I cross the river on the pedestrian bridge to downtown. Downtown has some excellent gypsy fiddle busking. I stop to listen and give the fiddler some money because what the hell, there’s no way I’ll catch up with the pack at this point.

I’m able to follow trail pretty well until somewhere around Walnut and Center, where the rain suddenly increases from the previous steady downpour to a thunderous dumping of water that completely erases all traces of chalk and flour. Either that or I missed something.
At this point I decide to fuck off to religion, figuring everyone else is there already anyhow. I trot along past the cop shop, past depot park, and along the path to the underside of the railroad trestle where I find, instead of happy beer-laden degenerates, a convention of more sad, wet homeless people. We wish each other good evening and I continue on, downcast.
But look! On the path! It’s chalk! Yay, I’m back on trail! Maybe I will find religion somewhere? But no, it is not to be. Eventually I find myself back at the boardwalk bowl, with no more trail to follow. I’m about to give up and go home when I encounter a large number of warm, dry hashers boasting about their mini golf and laser tag exploits. Wow. Just wow. Losers.
I leave them to karaoke the night away and head home for some dry clothes and the exciting opportunity to harass teenage boys about their homework and bedtime.
On on,
Genital Tongs

I’ve purposely not signed up to be a scribe and probably never will, and here’s why. I know I’ll pick up the slop. On the way home from this weeks Hash Occasional Rapist and I discussed whether there was a scribe or not, and that I’d be willing to do it if no one else signed up. So, there you go.

In my last write-up, 2 weeks ago, I was discussing people who were not there and missed discussing two. They were there this week, but that doesn’t change any thing. First, is Dog Breath – international man of mystery. Rumor has it that whenever he is not at the Hash he is starting a war somewhere. All must have been quiet on the Western Front this week, so he made a guest appearance. The last thing I want to say about Dog Breath is that I have heard reports that more than 1 Harriet has discovered some of the Dog Breath’s mystery, including a virgin he appeared to have deflower at my house a few years ago.

Second is Banana Basher. My thoughts on Banana Basher is he flips a two headed coin with Bailas Con Burros each week as to weather can come to the hash and she gets to call the coin. This week Bailas Con Burros must have thought the promise of a FACU style trail was safe for his bulkyness and he was allowed to attend. However, I’ll note she has a very short leash as he left before down-downs.

The next Hasher of honorable mention is Thmp-Thmp. The hares had promised we might see a groundhog, and Thmp-Thmp provided the groundhog as himself in what other weeks would be considered a squirrel costume.

The last Hasher to have honorable mention is Puff The Magic Drag Queen. My last write-up was his last hash to attend. He started a new streak at 1 this week. However, as of this writing, travel outside of Santa Cruz county is perilous. So, if he makes it out on Thursday, who knows if he’ll make it back. For those that want to read about last time Puff missed a hash click here.

This weeks Hash featured one the founders of the FACU hash, Accuprick, as one of our hares. His co-hare was his (very) close friend Butt Balls. We were promised food on trail in a dry location and more food at the end. While the hares provided lies about trail, other Hashers tried to maim each other with giant Jenga blocks.

Trail started into the neighborhood on Seacliff drive.  Now, if you are going to do a short trail, there are two alternatives. The first is go down Beachgate way and take the trail to the beach. However, there is a giant sink hole on that trail right now and the trail is closed. There was a giant false right in front of that trail that somehow Dog Breath missed. He was awarded a down-down at religion for missing it. The second alternative is to double back to State Park Drive somehow, which is exactly what we did. From there it was over Highway 1, and could we be headed any place other than Butt Ball’s garage?  The FRB’s did a little clockwise loop through the cemetery and nearby neighborhood. The rest the pack made a beeline for Butt Balls house.

There we were rewarded with a supposedly vegan Curry soup courtesy of Fap Jack and chicken wings from Lil Anal Annie. The soup was quite spicy, but quite tasty. Occasional Rapist tells me she asked for the recipe, so I am hoping to sample it again soon.

After the food was gone, the hare’s asked if we wanted a trail back, or just a straight on in to religion behind Point A. A straight On-In was universally expressed.

At religion we had one significant back slider. That would be Puff. When you don’t miss a trail for nearly 15 years, 1 is a big deal.

There were also numerous anniversary celebrated. Courtesy Flush and Genital Tongs for 50 and Just Foot Pussy and Bacon Queef for 75.

There was also the lost dog/lost Hasher debacle with Just Alisha and Just Kem. First the dog was missing, but quickly discovered. Finding Just Kem was another matter.

After religion it was back to the Med for more food! This time our chef was Jizziki who provided some sort of Tofu dish and something else I cannot remember. And, the Med also featured more attempts by Hashers to maim each other with falling bricks (Jenga).

My last order of business to discuss this week’s upcoming trail. One of our hares is Dung Fu Grip, or perhaps he should be better know as the bearer of rain. We’ve had two exceptional rainy Hashes this season and Dung Grip was a hare for both. It appears he will be doing it this week. Perhaps all California needed in the past was for Dung Fu Grip to hare more often! Dung Fu’s consort for the evening is Ho To Housewife. We’ve not seen much of her of late and the last was within hoofing distance of her abode. Will she be able escape Scotts Valley on this rainy evening? The last two times these jokesters set trail  from the Boardwalk bowl it was the same trail and no one followed all of it either time. This week they are going for the three-peat.