Last week’s trail was our anal lampshade hash, which started at Callahan’s on Water. Unfortunately, I didn’t see any anal lampshades… it appeared most hashers opted to wear them on their heads. The crowd at Callahan’s really had no idea what to do with us and I even saw some of them taking pictures of us, I hope we made it to someone’s snapchat or instagram with some clever captioning. #didtheyshowupdrunk hopefully they can do better than myself.

Our hares for the evening were Occassional Rapist and Shallow Hole, who said trail would be short but left out the part about the 1 mile YBF to start things off. As we were running the YBF I kept hearing dBASED saying that he was pretty sure we were on a YBF, but who listens to dBASED? He’s been oddly correct about trail recently. I don’t want to say that we might want to start listening to him, but…..

Once we reversed ourselves from the YBF along the levee path near Branciforte we crossed back over Water to the Medical Buildings across from Sake then reconnected with the levee near Ocean. Next we had to get across Ocean, which proves difficult even with a cross-walk. We have been feeling the tourists presence the last few weeks with Spring Break in full swing, so Ocean was jammed back with half-drunk and sun soaked tourists looking at their phones as we tried to cross. We all somehow made it! After the death crossing we hooked back up with the levee that took us back to River Street Lighting on Soquel where we take our traditional photo.

At beer check, we happened upon a homeless woman who was very interested in our lampshades… but mostly in our Manischewitz. She also tried to tell a joke, I didn’t find that it made sense or was very funny…. I am willing to laugh at myself, but only if it’s actually funny.

Back onto the levee we go and drop down Broadway into downtown. Running on Pacific is usually a pain in the butt, unless you have the pleasure of having Poon Doggy as your escort. I had the pleasure of running with this massive fur baby this week and people were literally jumping out of the way, parents were scooping up their children and the elderly were white-knuckling their walkers in hopes they wouldn’t get taken out by this guy. So, all the way down Pacific we go until we hit River Street and make a left towards highway 1. Right before the highway 1 cross-over we make a right onto Josephone Street where we found beer check.

As we are enjoying our cold beer in lampshades we see a child in a window who is waving at us. I bet he will grow up to be a hasher now. Not before long we were nicely asked by a parent to move it along, as we were keeping her child awake. Poor kid has to go to bed when the sun hasn’t set? I guess mom and dad need a break too. So, we walked down the levee to religion at the River St garage where we managed to not completely piss off the sword fighters this time.

RA for the evening was Dung Fu and his beer fairy was played by Genital Tongs. A few of us were called up for not wearing a lampshade, which included myself, Princess and Thmp (they did have lampshade shirts with A Christmas Story theme) and Genital Tongs. We also celebrated a miracle, Wicked made it to beer check! I think he even did trail! He can usually be found back at the bar or grabbing some dinner while the rest of us fools actually do trail.

Vaginal Repair Kit and CumFart Zone were given down-downs for sex on trail. I celebrated my 75th hash, I should really get a life. We sang Happy Birthday (fuck you) to Genital Tongs who survived another trip around the sun and of course, our hares were chided for another shitty trail.

As the pack dispersed Hangs Loose was nowhere to be found and his fur baby Poon Doggy was starting to wonder what crazy lady he was going to end up going home with that night. (I feel like that’s not too strange of a feeling for a hasher). Luckily, Shallow Hole and Hugh came up with the idea to call the number on Poon Doggy’s tag which immediately connected them to his human. Who would have thought that two Deadhead hippies would be so clever?

This week’s trail will start at Monty’s in Felton and have us in pursuit of Hugh Heifer and Genital Tongs. Check the page for more info.

May the Hash go in Peace!

On-on,
Ho to Housewife

This week’s hash was brought to us by Hugh Heifer and Pussy Galore who decided the pack had gone about playing games too long and needed to be punished with a fuck load of checks.

All the checks. It wasn’t so much the amount either but that each check had 1-2 flour puffs going in every direction so we couldn’t just get away with looking one or two directions. Checks that were almost always kicked in the wrong direction first before being corrected (actually let’s be real nobody corrected them). Checks that led us up and down and all around. So. Many. Checks.

With that rant out of the way, I can actually talk about other things, not that there is really anything else to talk about for this trail. We started out from Monty’s log cabin in Felton, I really like that place with their cool outdoor back patio, cheap drinks, and dart board that is definitely not hung at regulation height, turns out 6 inches makes a hell of a difference…

After the hares were off we gave their slow asses plenty of time to fuck with us. Trail was beautiful through Henry Cowell by where the train runs through. I think we heard something about a pastor convention going on in the facility by the train tracks but we decided to keep our sinner selves away from trouble and kept on going without harassing them. We finally got to beer check in the same place we had it last year at this time and had religion in the parking lot of Mountain Community Resources.

Timmy was our RA and wanted to get

that shit over with so it was quick and dirty and we didn’t get to name the many pups that showed up, Butters needs a name (I suggested “Slip n slide”) and Vaginal Repair Kit’s pup Charlie as well (My vote is for Suck on my Cocker Spaniel) we can’t let the fact that he is a COCKer spaniel go ignored! But alas Timmy veto’d our idea for that so perhaps next time.

The backsliders got theirs BarebackUnicrack, Trans-Cunt-n-Anal, Cum Lord and Pussy Galore (but when one hare drinks…). Trans-cunt-n-anal managed to make it to 25 hashes despite being a lazy bastard.

Virgin Tully brought to us by Tits-n-Game showed off his goods to the hornyharriettes. Finally we got some announcements, Wharf-to-Barf will have the theme “Jam out with your Clam out” and seems there will be a hook up at Kiva, but make sure to get hammered ahead of time as they don’t allow booze. Red dress announcements also made, make sure you sign up on the facebook event page! It will start at Callahan’s this time around!

Finally Religion was finished and we headed to on after at Cowboys which was a pretty cool joint! A lot of the crew went and it was a good time as always with you wankers.

On on,

Pussy Wood

Let’s start by saying Severino’s is way too classy for our crew.

I don’t think older people have ever looked so scornful and ashamed for my generation as they did when I walked across the floor in front of their little jazz band set up in my lepre-pussy shirt, tiny kilt and beer socks. Actually, upon further thought, I think Just Foot Pussy showing his gigantic ass bruise on the back patio probably brought more shame.

Accuprick and Thmp thmp our hares led us all over the place! We pissed off an old man because traffic signals are hard! There were mudslides (not the alcoholic kind) rather the kind that took Genital tongs down on her ass (I guess the alcoholic kind could do that too). There were shamrock shakes at liquor check and that was pretty awesome! What wasn’t awesome was not finding trail when we hit the check at the end of the rail road tracks. Apparently they swear there was some at the gas station (we never verified so its probably lies).

Despite it all, we managed to make it to beer check at Deadliest Snatch and Rat Pussy’s place!

They had some amazing stew, corned beef and cabbage, jello shots and all sorts of goodness for us including a salamander! (maybe I’m the only one who gave a shit about that)

We managed to make it over to religion in the parking lot of the palo alto medical foundation. There was a slight change of rules, no beer fairy, just Dung fu chucking beer at people if they chucked beer on him with Brokebench of course being the first to test these rules.First down down was for those who didn’t even get as far as making first liquor check (pathetic!). The Betty Ford wankers who got to experience the final drunken bacteria-filled Jacuzzi fuck fest got their down downs. Apparently doing trail is not even involved because dBased was the only one to do trail and everyone else knew the rules that you never follow dBased.

We found out just how old Hangs Loose was because he could not manage to internet properly, I bet if Puff’s hash flash link said “spam titties” he would have found it no problem. Down downs were then given toCumfart Zone and Vaginal Repair Kit who got the free crossfit beer, I personally try to stay away from that sort of activity. We were then blessed with two virgins! Virgin Minnie and Virgin Laura. Virgin Laura made a big impression on Banana Basher by threatening his manhood the first time they met and will TEMPORARILY be known as “just the Big O” if she can manage to stick around long enough to earn it (or something worse!). The night just kept getting better from there as we got to see shamrock pasties on some of our harriettes Bacon Queef and Occasional Rapist. To top that Puff seems to be suffering from dementia because he surprised and concerned us all by wearing brand new shoes! And he drank out of both. Gross! Lucky for you if you didn’t make it this week you can watch a video of it here:

The backsliders of which there were many, drank their down downs. And last and actually probably least the hares!

This week stay tuned for some Zombie Jesus debauchery with me and Electric Labia Land!

On on,

Pussy Wood

Trail 843 started off well enough at JJ’s Saloon in Soquel, a common start for the hash. We had been pounded with rain for days before and even got a teaser about an hour before trail. But really, how awesome was the sky and the DOUBLE FUCKING RAINBOW that we all saw on the way to the hash? Or at least those of us who were brave enough to face the rain. Our hares for the evening were Dung Fu and Twisted Fister. Twisted has been faking a hurt back and just spending all his time with Toilet Baby, training her to get beers from the fridge so we haven’t seen him too much lately.

Trail took us straight into the hills then directly into the shiggy. We were teased past the high school and got a cotton candy tasting nastiness LC early on trail. I took a sip of it but ditched the rest. This is also where I ditched Toilet Baby back with Twisted because despite the lies Twisted tries to tell you, she is not runner friendly… at least not with me.

After LC we hit the turkey-eagle split. Turkey trail went up the HUGE ASS HILL in blue balls park. We wrapped around then descended into some serious shiggy (There was a bitch out trail option for the sissies), where we had to use a rope to descend into a dry creek bed filled with trash and debris and probably some human poop only to have to pull ourselves out 100 yards later with another rope. Thankfully the king of the homeless camp was on top of the climb, supervising us.

As we exited back out onto Soquel I thought for sure that trail was nearing an end as we had experienced some intensity on trail. Nope! We still had another 2 miles of circling around to complete before we ended up at beer check in Lion’s Park. Miraculously, no cops showed up! I was shocked, seeing that this was the longest beer check I have ever experienced in my life. People were missing, Dung Fu ran back and forth to the bar maybe twice looking for people before the pack decided to leave and head to religion.

Apparently, the extra time at beer check allowed for extra beers and BOY, oh BOY was it a shit-show at religion. Accu kept saying he wanted to get it over quick but hashers couldn’t focus for more then 30 seconds before getting into a side conversation with their drunk mate. Myself and Cock Throbbin almost made a mid-religion getaway, but how could I tell you tales of religion if I wasn’t there?

What can I tell you? Thmp-Thmp was our beer fairy for the evening, Princess let him wear the crown for a little while before rightfully taking it back. Moose Terd Pie was called up for something or another and gave us a drunk rambling of the landmark history of Soquel before being yanked back into circle. Bacon Queef celebrated her 50th hash with Surf City, happy 50th analversary… Get a Life! Right behind her was her hubs, Just Foot Pussy who was given a down down for hurting his pussy foot and hobbling along trail all gimpy and stuff. Wicked and Finger Nips were given a down down for being smart…. I mean… skipping beer check.

We even had a naming! Just TIm was given the name Vaginal Repair Kit for his handiness in repairing CumFartZone’s private jewelry with his contractor skills. We said goodbye to some out of town visitors that night too, who had to catch a 6:30am flight out of San Jose the next morning. Yes, their flight LEFT at 6:30am…. way too early for me… but they still came out to the hash!

Last order of business for the evening was the hares, who tried to kill us…. but we still love!