As a pre-Halloween treat, Princess Di(arrhea) and Thmp-Thmp brought the hash to the Jury Room to visit their demon spawn Psycho Baby. I know you guys thought that Princess and Thmp-Thmp didn’t have any kids.  Well you are wrong.  It was a big secret until 3 years ago at Wharf to Barf when they told the evil tail of Psych Baby.  One night, Princess had a nightmare about being held captive by the devil.  A week or so later, she woke up in the middle of the night with a really bad stomach ache.  She thought she might have gotten food poisoning from some bad Mexican food.   She went into the bathroom, and instead of a dump, Psycho Baby came out.  She screamed in horror!  What the fuck was it?  It kind of looked like a baby but it was a nasty green color.  She wanted to flush, but Thmp-Thmp was intrigued.  They tried to take care of it for a while, but it was a mean little bastard with sharp teeth.  It wouldn’t eat regular human food.  It seemed to like beer though.  They tried to lock it up, but it would get out in the house in the middle of the night and hunt for blood.  Cats went missing and a golfer died there under “mysterious circumstances”.  When it started killing all the squirrels in the neighborhood, Thmp-Thmp got pissed off and decided that’s it, they had to get rid of it.  So one night, they took him to a seedy part of town and dropped him off at the Jury Room.  He’s been there ever since.  He preys on drunken degenerates that frequent the establishment.  So every once in a while we go visit him.  We recently found out that there are more Psycho Babies out there in the world.  We met a couple of hashers from Omaha Nebraska who brought their little demon to IAH Portland this year.

It was a dead trail this week, which means the hares pre-laid the trail. It was a 3 mile A to B trail basically a straight shot on Ocean Street Extension, past the cemetery, all the way out to beer check in the woods near Paradise Park Masonic Club.  The Masons are supposed to be a secret society.  If that’s not creepy enough, the woods around that area are supposed to be haunted by the white lady ghost.  It was a dark trail, but aside from some barking dogs, we didn’t encounter any ghosts.  The Hares made a circle on the ground with lights to mark the area and brought snacks.

We had religion in the same area. Accuprick was RA.  Hugh Heifer was Beer Fairy.  dBASED was praised for actually staying on trail.  Rat Pussy and Deadliest Snatch celebrated their 25^th Surf City Hash.  Get a life!  Ho to Housewife drank for having a cock problem.  She was trying to find a home for a rooster at the animal shelter.  Twat Did You Say? drank too.  Apparently her cat is an asshole.  Puff drank for being old and demented and forgetting songs.  There were a bunch of backsliders.  Twat Did You Say?, Accuprick, TIMMY!, Shallow Hole, Fucked Over Fest, Shameless Butt Plug, and Hugh Heifer.  Pedofiddler and Fap Jack were punished for taking the liquor check before the DFL’s got there.  Wicked Retahted drank for actually doing the entire trail!  And last but not least, the Hares……………….

On On,

Shallow Hole

Frankly I do not know why my scribe requirements are needed at all since Puff said it all in the Hash Flash email, but either way here is my side of the story! Trail this week was laid by Dung-fu and Ho-to-housewife and if we learned any lessons its that more than one turkey eagle split can lead to confusion amongst a bunch of half-minds.    It started from coasters, a bar in the boardwalk bowl I have never had the pleasure of imbibing cheap drinks in. It then went on through the boardwalk and over the railroad tracks (though many of us said fuck that and walked on the nice safe pathway alongside the tracks). I have to say the sunset liquor check on point loma was

arguably the least shitty party of trail and there were plenty of cherries to be popped along with it. The whole pack after being properly liquored up then proceeded to go down a false on Pilkington but it was quickly sorted out before again being confused by what wankers thought to be a mis-labeled turkey eagle split since two turkey-eagle splits were promised (it was actually just a plain old two-pronged check).

This led to poor Cumcerto and Puff being led on a false trail for likely too long before reuniting with the pack. Luckily for them the larger turkey group continually fucked up the proper trail so they were able to catch up. Pedofiddler marked trail wrong TWICE (she got her deserved down-downs) and visitor Apple bobber helped her in this by following a random runner (NOT a hasher) at the corner of Logan and Seaview and leading the whole pack astray. Somehow, however, everyone managed to make it to another liquor check (and finally beer check) and the second eagle split led the three brave souls willing to do it (puff, pedofiddler and cumcerto) on a much longer journey that I don’t know the details of.

Religion was a whole other bout of fuck-ups. Dung-fu made a convincing spectacle as a Jesus impersonator. For tales on trail we discovered our visitor apple bobber shed blood on trail (also his 69^th hash), puff almost killed a cat apparently, and summers yeast got a down down for some reason I missed (get over it I am not perfect). Dung-fu was thrilled that anyone ran his eagle trail since apparently this same trail happened before with no takers last year (apparently he does not learn his lesson). Let’s also give awful husband award to Just Foot Pussy who decided his wedding ring was already old and shitty enough to open beer bottles with (sorry Bacon Queef). And on that note Princess made it clear you wankers need to bring whistles and openers. When I was a “just” Accuprick called me out for asking people “do you have a thing?” [bottle opener was implied, or so I thought] so bring your own thing.

Some final announcements were made that next week is dress to the 69’s! Dress like its prom night and maybe you will get lucky! Also AGM is Nov 12^th and its $25 at The Palomar. Finally the religion was just about done when dBased decided to leave his car (After sitting in it like a creeper for 15 minutes) and join the pack, obviously that warranted a down-down.

And saving the best for last, the karaoke at on-after was epic. Some solid singing and dancing all around. PCL perfected love shack, Electric labia land managed to find the longest song in the song book and everyone knew their place when it came to back-up dancers. Highlight: PCL knocked Electric labia down to the ground in a 4 person mosh pit brought about by Just foot pussy’s song choice, she is okay (other than PTSD that will surely come from the incident).  I cannot wait to see what insanity next week’s hash will bring!

On-on,

Pussy Wood

While I would love to plead the fifth hole on this trail and never discuss it again, I have unfortunately made it my duty to share it with you all.

The hares Pink Cherry Liquor, Fap Jack and Dung-fu got things started at Callahan’s, a very classy establishment that we then tarnished with our half-assed formal attire.

The cheap (and stiff!) drinks and that Santa Cruz incense smell was a great place to pre-lube while also affixing fake mustaches, playing an awful game of pool and chit chatting.

All was well until the pack had to actually attempt trail. Right off the bat dBased was gone into the night leading the whole pack in the wrong direction and we only got back on trail thanks to Thmp (that should have been a chivalry on trail down-down).

Once back on trail we went walking along the poorly lit path and ended up on Branciforte. After a frogger-like cross of the road we were led through a neighborhood to PCL and

FapJack’s home for the classiest Liquor Check this hash has likely ever seen. Tiny martini glasses with gin or vodka and olives to top! It’s a shame Puff and dBased didn’t make it to this stop. We carried on trail back over to the seabright area. As the pack came out of an alley at San Juan and Parnell dBased appeared out of the darkness (who knows where he was, we would love to see the GPS trail of where he was the entire hash).  Princess mentioned we likely passed by the home of a woman who had given shit to her for being a hasher on a previous trail with our indecent and apparently difficult to remove chalk markings (perhaps next time trail leads by there we could sing her a hash song, possibly the one that goes “fuck you” a lot). Finally after a substantial amount of walking, where the most exciting thing to happen was Bacon Queef yelling “Penis”as a church service was getting out, we arrived at the home of Dung-fu for beer check where the classiness of the appetizers was cancelled out by the shittiest beer ever (Simpler Times).

Soon after the pack wandered over to Casa de Puff for Religion.

Religion went a little something like this. Puff and Virgin Kevin were called out for their lack of fancy attire (although the in-n-out Hawaiian shirt on Virgin Kevin was pretty slick). Puff and dBased (shocker) didn’t make liquor check and got down downs for that (their loss!). We found out Timmy was apparently ditched at SJC, let’s pray for his safe return.  Rat Pussy got not one, but TWO chivalry down-downs for bartending and purple dicks. The backsliders gave some excuses about their lack of hashes, Herpes Handcock was in a coma from excessive masturbation and Courtesy Flush tried to give some long excuse that I think boiled down to being too busy eating burritos to hash. Bacon Queef got her down-down for scaring church-goers with her love of “PENIS!” and she felt like calling Thmp out for excessive urination on trail. Then it was time to sacrifice virgins and we found out there was incest among Virgin Kevin and his sister Just Jo because she made him cum. Both Virgin Kevin and Virgin Sasha’s jokes fell on deaf ears as everyone was focused on seeing some intimate body parts, but alas none were to be seen. We also had a naming!

Just Maureen will now be known as “Fifth Hole” from here on out because when we asked her what her favorite sex position was she said she wanted to “take the fifth” but being the half-minds we are we could not figure out what the fifth hole was that she enjoyed taking it in!

In conclusion, we definitely put the “ass” in “class” with this hash wankers.

On-on,

Pussy Wood