Pirate Hash II: Electric Labia Land’s Birthday

Surf City H3 has had some pretty memorable Pirate hashes.  It’s quite a sight to see a bunch of drunken pirates running around town causing mayhem and debauchery.  I take 1/3 of the responsibility for the shit show last year that included too much rum, lost hashers, water balloons, and a visit from the cops during religion.  This year, Electric Labia Land wanted redemption.  She teamed up with Fap Jack and summoned the pack to Ideal Bar and Grill on Beach Street.  The bar was packed with football fans, watching the first game of the season.  They were somewhat amused by the pirates.  We had a virgin this week- Virgin Brooks.  Shameless Butt Plug made him come!

Trail measured 2.61 miles on my GPS.  The first liquor check was 10 steps away from the bar on the sand. There was flour all the way across the beach to the boardwalk.  The FRB’s lost trail momentarily and ran through Neptune’s Kingdom and the boardwalk.  There was another liquor check outside in front of the boardwalk.  Trail went up through Beach Hill, down the steps to Laurel Street Extension and through downtown.  The FRB’s ran into Pink Cherry Licker on Pacific Avenue.  She had to deal with whack job parents at back to school night and desperately needed hard liquor.   She was not disappointed.  There was a third liquor check on top of Oswald’s parking garage.  We got rum (and coke)!   Trail continued down the steps of the parking garage, through Marini’s candy store, across Pacific and down Walnut Street several blocks to the High School.  We went left on Lincoln Street, and several blocks down Chestnut along the railroad tracks. Beer check was in the little park near the entrance to Neary Lagoon.

Religion was held in the party room at the bowling alley. Hashers started getting restless until the pitchers of beer started coming out. Hashers were feeling the effects of 3 liquor checks! Peddifiddler consumed her fair share of liquor. She was in front of the windows flashing guys on the street. Broke Bench Mountain started walking across the tables.  Waxi Pad showed up after the football game.

Dung Fu Grip was RA and Fingernips was beer Fairy. First down down went to hashers that survived Interam Portland (Yours Truly, Waxi Pad, Thmp-Thmp, Princess Di(arrhea), Fingernips, Broke Bench Mountain, Cums Out My Nose).  Hugh Heifer and Thmp-Thmp drank for wearing white Happi Coats. All the hashers who did not dress up in pirate costumes (Thmp-Thmp, Waxi Pad, Shameless Butt Plug, Drink N Squirt, Accuprick, Virgin Brooks and Today is Monday) were punished.  Virgin Brooks told a dumb joke.  Broke Bench Mountain got a down down for tagging Princess Di(arrhea) at a strip club in Portland. At least her relatives “liked” it. Peddifiddler drank for flashing guys on the street (and the rest of the room).  Thmp-Thmp accused Ho to Housewife of parking too close to his car. I was there! There was plenty of room! Rat Pussy drank for agitating the bums on the railroad tracks. They were quite friendly to us Harriettes. Visitors Today is Monday and Drink N Squirt were welcomed to the hash.

Ho to Housewife and Yours Truly, were accused of neglecting our scribe duties.  Check out the timeliness of this trash bitches!  I just got behind because I was partying in Portland.  Cock Throbbin has been on the DL for months due to plantar fasciitis.  Ho to Housewife has been busy rescuing birds and bottle feeding baby squirrels.  Pink Cherry Licker drank for showing up late to the hash because of work.  She tried to sneak in with the pack with the FRB’s. Cumfartzone and Just Justin told a story about how someone stole their pirate flag, but they got it back.  The pack sung a  lovely rendition of Happy Birthday to Electric Labia Land and early birthday (9/15) for Waxi Pad.

And the Hares…………….

On On,

Shallow Hole

I am now caught up with my scribe duties:)

This week Occasional Rapist and dBASED brought the pack to El Jardin. It was their 2 year Analversary of their hash wedding. And you thought it would never last. For those who were not in attendance, it was a hell of a party at Last Call Norm and Pearl Necklace’s house. There was a trail. Eagles got to go swimming where the San Lorenzo River meets the ocean and terrorize small children on the boardwalk. There was food a keg and dancing to Waxi Pad’s band.

This week we were supposed to wear white.   Dung Fu Grip sported his white Elvis outfit, but a lot of hashers did not get the memo.  Pearl Necklace made it out to the hash this week. My Garmin watch was having technical difficulties, so I didn’t track the entire trail. I estimate it was < 3 miles. We went out the back of the restaurant parking lot, up 7^th Avenue, past Holy Cross Cemetery, to Soquel. We turned right on Soquel and made a left onto a little dirt road that led us around Harbor High School to La Fonda, and up through those neighborhoods.   There was a champagne liquor check in an alley. Trail then lead down Morrissey. We made a little loop and then back up to Fairmount to a beer check at John Franks Park.

Religion was at Occasional’s Mom’s yard. There was a nice spread of cheese and crackers to munch on. Dung Fu grip was RA and Jizziki was Beer Fairy.  The Hares were called up first. Occasional Rapist was presented with a commemorative beer mug to celebrate her 50^th Haring! The only problem was the inscription said the wrong date because a switch made on the Hare calendar. All the party poopers who didn’t wear white were called up for a down down. There were too many of them to count.  Some of the walkers (Fingernips, Pussy Wood, Hugh Heifer and Pearl Necklace. They were probably drinking and getting stoned. Pink Cherry Licker got lost because they were trying to “pull a dBASED” and guessed wrong. Ahhto Bhang Stander got congratulated for getting caught at 2 YBF’s. Dung Fu Grip drank too for being a FRB. Cumfartzone gave a little do it yourself tip for anyone interested in making a cock cage out of the top of a champagne bottle. Pussy Wood drank for being a backslider. She was chasing lizards in France and partying in Vegas and Tahoe. I’m sure there was some Ahhto Bhanging going on. She brought us chocolate with a toy inside. Thmp-Thmp celebrated 25 consecutive Surf City Hashes! Get a life! Snapping Twat showed up at the end. She was too busy drinking elsewhere to do trail.

And the Hares………………

Happy Analversary!

On On,

Shallow Hole

Sinking Ship of Fools

Our Hares this week were Ho to Housewife and Dung Fu Grip. The pack met up at Santa Cruz Mountain Brewery.  They expanded their patio area and now the place is even cooler than before.   We were promised “a surprise” which in the hash world could or could not be a good thing. We were on the west side. We’ve been to the beach. We’ve been through the nasty tunnels of terror. What the hell kind of surprise were we in for? Courtesy Flush showed up at the start and then drove away to apparently do his laundry.

My GPS measured trail at 3 miles. Trail started by going out the back of the building down the Mission Street Extension. There was a check on the corner of Western. Dbased went straight down the Mission Street Extension and found true trail. I checked across Mission and just after the third mark, I found the first YBF. By that time, most of the pack caught up to us. So yes, we followed dBASED and he was on trail! Across the street from the new PCS school construction, there was flour on a little trail to the left. We went through an apartment complex, across the tracks to Antonelli Pond, where we found liquor check of sake bombs hosted by Cock Throbbin. It was then that we saw our “surprise”. It was an inflatable boat! They secured rope across the pond to the other side so hashers could move the boat across the pond. I was one of the FRB’s on the first boat. I’m not sure how many trips back and forth the boat made, but it had a hole in it and started to sink by the end. Several hashers had soggy bottoms, but no one drowned. Non seaworthy hashers just walked around the pond. Trail connected to natural bridges lagoon trail to the beach and up to the parking lot. There was a check in the parking lot. dBASED found a YBF on the butterfly path. True trail went down the hill, out the park exit on to West Cliff. We meandered inland a bit before finding beer check in a parking lot on Delaware.

Religion was at the Habitat Restore where Dung Fu Grip works. Hashers circled up on a bunch of toilets (and some chairs). Accuprick was RA and Cumcerto was Beer fairy. Most hashers would consider it an honor to be beer fairy. But from the look on her face, Cumcerto was not thrilled about it. Courtesy Flush was called up for not doing trail. I guess her really was doing laundry and was afraid the homeless folks would steal his shit so he stayed there and waited for it for it to be done. Broke bench Mountain was called up for dog abuse. Poor Porter is getting old and he had to stay in the car while we were on trail. Just Evan was called out for trading stocks or more likely surfing for porn on his cell phone during circle.  A bunch of hashers were called up for not going on the boat. Just Evan was called up again for being a backslider. He warned the pack that the porn sites never charge just a dollar. Good to know. There were 2 Analversaries. Ho to Housewife celebrated her 50^th and Banana Basher celebrated his 650^th SCH3 hash! Get a life! There was the tail of deflate gate. Shady Curtains was on the boat with 3 Harriettes when the boat was sinking.  They were going down, and butts got wet!  Hopefully no one got a yeast infection. dBASED got called out for shoving a beer in Pink Cherry Licker’s teeth. Cumberto got mauled by a big Minnie Mouse courtesy of Broke Bench Mountain. And last but not least, the Hares……………….

On On,

Shallow Hole

The Annual SCH3 Wharf 2 Barf is now over and it didn’t disappoint.

There were…
Golden showers—twice!
Ball stealing
dBASED asshole-dom
Moving bums off benches to make way for LC
and
Virgin bailing

It all started on Thursday with Hash #808

Hashers started out at UnCommon Brewers with a tour of the facility and some good ol’ prelube.

The trio of Hares included Dung Fu Grip, Ho2Housewife, and Shallow hole who would set a trail so unexpected that Cum Fart Zone’s Virgin would bail quite quickly.

Trail took hashers over the railroad tracks where they stopped to gaze at a hasher-worthy parking job that made a solid resting spot for the cross rails.

Then hashers were off down the levee trail, over the bridge, and into the neighborhoods. Just Foot Pussy disappointed an otherwise happy child playing along trail by chucking his ball down the street. The kid chimed back with, “you just threw my ball.” No one stuck around to find out how that story ended.

Jiztiki made a virgin sacrifice and told (another) long joke when Cum Fart Zone’s virgin disappeared.

dBASED, asshole that he is, claimed he didn’t see the YBF and snared the hares. He saved Banana Basher because he was looking for a short cut. Banana was FRB. Yes, you read that right.

Then trail took hashers back to the Old Sash Mill where Beer Near was hosted out of the back of Shallow Hole’s hatch back. Religion was at the Old Sash Mill where we heard about our first golden shower at Warf 2 Barf. Turns out that Cum Fart Zone gets $300 for it on a typical Stay-n-Play. Word on the street is that surrogate cum is where the real money’s at though.

RA Accuprick punished Hairy Potter and Pedofiddler for their backsliding. Snapping Twat received the No Film Award for showing up late, but catching up before beer check. Timmy was given a down down for a “reach around” of a homeless guy in his way, which ThmpThmp witnessed so joined him for the down down.

OnOnOn was at Taqueria Los Pericos and that was the end of our first night of Wharf 2 Barf.

Now for day two.

Friday Hash #809 was an Oktoberfest pub crawl in July on National Tequila Day and that was just the beginning of sh*t gettin weird.

Hashers met at Tampicos for the first stop on a pub crawl led by Pink Cherry Licker and Fap Jack. There was plenty of time for crawling as half minds made a spectacle of themselves from bar to bar.

Something Blew visited from Illinois and had no trouble fitting in with this pack. Neither did the two virgins with Just Foot Pussy, Virgin Matt and Virgin Jenna.

Second stop was the Blue Lagoon where we took over the back room for a hasher sing along. Then onto Palomar for margaritas, and Rosie McCanns after that where Puff the Magic Drag Queen offered up chocolate and ponies to the ladies, luring them with a mention that there was more in his van outside.

Hashers ended up at the Red Room where Virgin Matt danced it up to close out the pub crawl.

That takes us to day three.

Saturday Hash #810 The Sausage Fest Picnic

The pack met at Forty Thieves Picnic Area at DeLaveaga Park.

Virgin Hare TransCuntNAnal and Finger Nips laid a trail through the woods that got hashers hot and sweaty.

Our second golden shower happened when Cock Throbbin made Dog Breath’s dreams come true by giving him a golden shower cumming off the German beer tasting box. Then Just Foosy was pants’d by PCL and hashers learned the married duo Bacon Queef and Just Foot Pussy have a rule that the penis helicopter is only for her so hashers got the penis wiggle.

The Beer Relay started with two rounds of hashers running ‘round trees of DeLaVega. There was lots of sabotage, deceit, and injury. Finger Nips, bra-less with a mouthful of ummm, beer, went on to win Beer Relay. Captain Save-A-Hole stepped up to redeem his Damsel in Distress Shallow Hole who was sabotaged by Dog Breath in the Beer Relay.

Shallow Hole was sabotaged so she in turn sabotaged Virgin Ben who was devastated and obviously new to our none-too-nice hasher protocol.

We had many visitors: Something Blew, Mister Wiggly, Autobahn Stardust, Rip Van Drunker, Dual Tools Up My Ass, USOh Oh Ohhh!, Eyeful Hands, Red Dress Baller, and husband-wife team of Popo Strip Show and SkaSkank Redemption

Dung Fu was Beer Fairy.

Twat Did You Say celebrated her 75^th Hash. Finger Nips celebrated 10 Harings. Trans CuntnAnal christened his first haring, Snapping Twat received her belated First Haring.

Virign Cerese warmed the crowd up with a joke then flashed them. Virgin Ben tried to tell a joke gave up and mooned the crowd. Virgin Jim told a pedophile joke that caused many groans.

PCL called Cum Fart Zone out for not know how to use the whistle on trail. She that the whistle meant come on and get me instead of a signal of on-on.

Banana Basher called PCL out for coming back from trail, shouting “I won the hash!” PCL was punished with a down down.

Mr. Wiggly was celebrated for hashing the longest, since 1986 or was it 1886? So then we called up all the hashers who weren’t born before 1986: Dung Fu, Dual Tools in My Ass, Rip Van Drunker, Rat Pussy, Autobahn Stardust, and Deadliest Snatch.

The great honor of Biggest Wanker of the Weekend awards went to Cum Fart Zone and Dog Breath who received the blessed Watermelon Heads.

Sunday Hash #811

This was the Monterrey Bay Hangover Hash with the best attendance yet!

Surf City tradition carried on with the hash at Pearl Necklace and Last Call Norm’s home. This year we paid homage to Last Call Norm who passed away two months ago and is sitting on her bar stool in the sky.

Shallow Hole, Ho2Housewife, Just Cerese (high maintenance DFLs) joined trail late.

Dung Fu was Religious Advisor and Deadliest Snatch was Beer Fairy.

We toasted the Hashers who made it all four days then gave a well-deserved toast to the Watermelon Heads again. The Pickle Passing game went on for a while and we give a shout out to the pickle that we imagine lying in rest somewhere.

Virgin Ronda, Just Foot Pussy’s Aunt, made Cum Fart Zone cum with one finger…it was a joke you dirty minds.

And that concluded Wharf to Barf.

A big thank you to our GMs and all the others who pulled this crazy thing together.

What we remember of it was a blast, Wankers!  We hear the rest was good too.

Your loving (don’t get excited Dog Breath) Hash Scribes,
Ho2Housewife, Cock Throbbin & Shallow Hole