SHIT! Yep, that about says it all about this evening. Hares Occasional Rapist and dBASED got a hare-brained idea to drag us out ocean side on one of the coldest nights of the year. Hashers gathered cliff side in La Selva Beach, a (previously) quiet little town. As soon as the hares left, the rest of the pack was of course up to no good. Pink Cherry Liquor brought along some “creative” versed decals. She wanted to put “vagina” on the cooler, but it wouldn’t stick. Instead, she left dBASED a little note on his vehicle letting him know we already knew what trail was going to be like, “SHIT”!

The pack, almost frozen in place by now, soon took off onto trail. The hares showed us everything La Selva has to offer, which isn’t much. A church, a post office and a corner store. Other than the guy who runs the store, I’m pretty sure we were the only ones out that night. Only the promise of money or beer could get anyone out in this weather.

The FRB’s stumbled across liquor check and found a bottle of peppermint schnapps with the bottle cap broken off, leaving sharp, jagged plastic edges for us to cut our mouths open on. Oh boy, what a treat!

After a series of speed bumps and a butt and thigh load of hills we finally got to beer check, which was at the La Selva Community Church, a parking lot we were taken through earlier on trail. Although starting to freeze again, hashers happily drank their cold brews.

Religion took place back at the starting point, where we tried to keep ourselves warm by putting on more layers and dancing around to the songs the nice lady in our head sings to us. Dung Fu was RA and elected Finger Nips as beer fairy. They got going quickly and first up was the part of the pack that missed liquor check.

What was close to half of the group, Fap Jack, Pink Cherry Licker, Princess Di(arrhea) and Thmp-Thmp  all somehow missed LC, but they did save themselves the mouth trauma inflicted by the broken bottle top.

Fap Jack told us some sad story about how he works too much, and he tried to apologize for letting a little thing like work interfere with his hashing. It might take some of those rosemary fries to get us to really forgive you.

We shamed dBASED for having his 625 analversary with Surf City. Seriously dude, get a life.

And the hares! Occasional and dBASED were taunted and hissed at by frozen hashers who had just completed a trail that was, you guessed it, “SHIT”!

Yes Wankers, this week’s hash was on Friday night instead of Thursday due to Christmas.  A sizable pack showed up at the Nasty Asti downtown for the Second Anal Krampus Hash.  This theme was introduced to Surf City last year by Dung Fu Grip.  This year Dung Fu coerced Pink Cherry Licker to be his devil in crime co-hare.

If you’re wondering “who the hell is this Krampus dude”, check out his website at www.krampus.com .  Basically he’s the Christmas devil, or Santa’s evil counterpart.   If you’re not on Santa’s “Nice List”, Krampus will punish all the naughty children, swatting them with switches and rusty chains before dragging them, in baskets, to hell.   So you’d better watch out!  In Austria, Northern Italy and other parts of Europe, people dress up as devils, wild-men, and witches to participate in Krampuslauf (Krampus Run).  Intoxicated and bearing torches, costumed devils run through the streets scaring people.   So in full Krampus style, hashers showed up with horns on their heads, ready to raise hell in Santa Cruz!

There were 2 trails.  I measured the Eagle at 4.7 miles.  Occasional Rapist’s trail map was 3.96 miles.  Everybody started out going down the river levee, up the stairs to Beach Hill.  There was a Southern Comfort liquor check stop.  Trail headed down hill toward the boardwalk.   Luckily this trail didn’t go on the sand.  Instead, trail lead the pack towards West Cliff.  There was a check in front of the West Cliff Inn.  Instead of going up the hill, trail went right, across the bridge and onto Center Street.   There was a little tour of Santa Cruz High School, before going up Walnut and across Mission Street.   The turkey eagle split was on King Street.  Turkeys went towards the pedestrian bridge across Mission Street to Holy Cross Church.  The eagles went up Laurent Street, up a big hill.  We were rewarded with some liquor on the hill though.  Some peppermint schnapps.  Trail continued on Laurent to King and then over the Pedestrian bridge by Holy Cross Church.

There was a crazy schizophrenic lady in front of Holy Cross Church.  Perhaps she was hanging out in front of the church hoping for an exorcism by the priest.  Lord knows she had some nasty demons plaguing her.  Several hashers had interactions with her.  Some hashers thought she was on the phone, but she was talking to herself.  Dung Fu told an interesting tale of how she hugged him and told him how much she loved rabbits.  Then she asked him to help her perform CPR to revive her “imaginary friend.”  We may never know the fate of her imaginary friend.  Trail went down the steps, passed the clock tower and lead to beer check at Red (the high class upstairs bar).  The Hares treated the pack to pitchers of beer and appetizers.  I tried the rosemary and fennel French fries.  They rocked!  Hope Fap Jack’s reputation isn’t tarnished after hashers invaded the bar!

Religion was up on top of Oswald’s parking garage.  It was pretty cold and windy up there.  Fuck this winter shit!  Accuprick was RA and Fingernips was beer Fairy.  Dung Fu Grip passed out gifts.  We all got flash drives with hash songs and porn on them.  Paki Sak got a down down for hiding out in TIMMY!!!’s truck to stay warm.  Dung Fu Grip told his tale from the trail about the crazy lady.  We were happy to know that the imaginary friend survived and Dung Fu took him/her on trail.  Dog Breath drank for the imaginary friend.  Visitors, Today is Monday, Paki Sak, Popo Strip Show and Ska Skank Redemption were welcomed to the hash.  Herpie Hand Cock drank for being a backslider.  Dog Breath drank for showing up late.  Ho to Housewife drank for getting lost at a school 2 weeks in a row, and got caught at the YBF.  Puff the Magic Drag Queen was following her butt, so he drank too.  And last but not least, the Hares…………………………………….

See you Thursday night, where we will be ringing in the New Year with Occasional rapist and dBASED in La Selva Beach.   Start location is Cliffside at La Selva .  Park across the street from 342 Vista Road, La Selva Beach, CA 95076

On On,

Shallow Hole

Hash # 776 started at the comfy abode of Occassional Rapist and dBASED where they decorated us with glitter and sparkle galore to make sure we were decked out for their Picture Hash. A few backsliders decided to show their faces, since it was the holidays and all. We were “blessed” with the company of Snapping Twat, Tiny Wanker and Dog Breath; all of which clearly had to be pulled away from whatever “better” things they normally partake in on Thursday nights.

Before taking off, hares Occassional and dBASED and Hot Wheels gave some confusing directions and ended it with “you’ll figure it out”. Apparently they forgot what half-minds we are. Lots of questions went un-answered and then they took off…. in their cars….

The first photo we received was of a place right across the street where everyone parked, where we were quicly brought up onto AJ’s Natural Foods on Soquel before heading over to the Cabrillo Campus. It was a chilly evening right before the holiday break but the campus was still hopping with students finishing up finals and professors slipping out to their cars to entertain themselves with holiday libations.

Once on the Cabrillo Campus we got a nice tour of the flat side of campus, visiting the Senson House then a trip over to the recietal hall, where everyone got frowny faces when we opened up the paper and it was the horticulture center. Thmp-thmp pointed up to some very tiny lights on the top of a very large hill….. On up half-minds. We weaved through the campus and climbed stairs and hills on our way to the Horticulture Center, telling each other this MUST be where the liquor check is. It would be cruel of the hares to send us up this big hill and not reward us. As we reached the top, we see Hot Wheels smiling at us and simply hands us the next picture… no mention of a LC anywhere. Since we were kind of winded from coming up the hill we decided to wait for some of the other hashers to join us, before headed right back down the hill.

Once the hares had given us the full Cabrillo tour, complete with the Sheriff’s Office (which I’m shocked more of you wankers didn’t know the location of from all your debauchery) we were lead over to Bangkok West for beer near. While we socialized we noticed a few hashers joined us on trail that weren’t there at the start. Pink Cherry Liquor and Fap Jack decided to try to get some free drinks in them at PCL’s holiday party before joining the hash. Dung Fu showed up somewhere along trail with his bicycle in tote… which was later thrown in the hedges by Dog Breath. After a quick beer we all headed back to Occassional and dBASED’s place for a warm religon.

Snapping Twat was elected as beer fairy by Accuprick and soon the festivities were underway. First order of business was to discuss the growing black slime in the religion chalices. TIMMY was going by that old theory that alcohol kills anything and decided it would be OK not to rinse them after use. He was obviously given a down-down for his lack of housekeeping skills.
Late arrivers Dung Fu, PCL and Fap Jack were all given down-downs for their tardiness and Dog Breath for hiding Dung Fu’s bike in the hedges.

Princess Di(arrhea) celebrated her 150th hash analversary with her joyous expression of excitement “balls deep!”.

Myself, Ho to Housewife, and Hugh Heifer did a simultaneous down-down. Hugh was punished for bailing early on us and myself for loving on my chicken puppet.

Last order of official business was to name Just Randy. Now, many of you may remember this jolly fellow who returned to us a few weeks ago after a rough first hash he had back in July. He was introduced to the hash by Wicked Retahted and of course, given very little info. “You know man, we just walk around and drink…” is how I envision it went. Well, what local would do this in anything other than flip flops? And this is how Just Randy showed up to his first hash, which crossed rocks and railroads. Needless to say, he needed months to heal from that trauma and came back for more. After debating between “wicked made me cum” and “flip flop on the rocks”, Just Randy was voted to be called “Flip Flop on the Rocks”

The pig bowl had a little extra beer after all business was attended to, so Dog Breath was brought up as the biggest pig of the group to drink up the mess.

And the hares! Our generous hares Occassional Rapist, dBASED and Hot Wheels (who ducked out of photos with great timing) were shamed for the campus tour, sheriff station visit and lack of liquor check on trail.

On On,

Ho To Housewife

This week’s hash started at the Crepe Place.  Thmp-Thmp and Twisted Fister were the hares this week.  The rain had finally stopped and it was a nice night for a hash.  I was driving to the bar, and was stopped at a light on Soquel Ave.  I saw this guy strutting down the street in a white skin tight long sleeve running shirt and very short, shorts.  He went into the Crepe Place.  I thought to myself “WTF?  Is that guy a hasher?”  When I arrived at the bar, I realized it was Just Frank.   I hoped the trail would be short for his sake because he was at risk of some serious nipple chaffing!  My Little Bony made a rare appearance.  He stopped by the bar on his way to work.  I got nervous when I saw TIMMY!!! walking around with a full martini glass.  He did not have his TIMMY!!! Tippy Cup and doesn’t have a good track record with delicate stemware.  I heard a crash from behind the bar, but it was a false alarm.  The bartender broke something, not TIMMY!!!.

Trail started out by jaywalking across Soquel Avenue to the alley across the street.  The pack was trying to solve a check when these 2 guys came out of their house.  At first I thought they were going to hassle us for yelling outside their house.  Instead they said they were from Uncommon Brewers and offered us a beer tasting of their Bacon Brown Ale!  How cool is that?  Sorry vegetarians, but it was pretty tasty.   I think they deserve a shameless butt plug for that.  Check them out at:  www.uncommonbrewers.com.  The check was solved and the pack headed to N. Branciforte Ave.  There was another check and dBASED yelled on on, so we went across Soquel Ave.  We ran around that neighborhood for a while, until we got to a liquor check in a little park on Fairmount.  After that, trail lead back down to Soquel Ave.  We were near a car dealership, Jiffy Lube and Walgreens.  Then things went to shit.  There was a check on Soquel  Ave that no one was able to solve.  dBASED found a false trail in one direction, but no flour was found anywhere else.  dBASED, Dung Fu Grip and I ran around searching in every direction possible, looked in parking lots, went several blocks on both sides of the street, but couldn’t find flour.  Most of the pack gave up and went back to Casa di Puff and Dung Fu.  Dung Fu and I kept searching, so we headed down to Arena Gulch.  No flour to be found.  We thought beer check might be in Fredrick Street Park, so we went through the gulch, through the harbor and up the stairs to Fredrick St Park.  Going through the harbor was cool.  A bunch of boats were lit up with Christmas lights.  When no beer check was found, we ran to religion.   Apparently the only hashers who made it to beer check were the walkers accompanying Princess Di (arrhea).  They got tipped off where beer check was.

Religion was at Casa di Puff and Dung Fu.  The Hares showed up dragging their cooler in defeat.  We’re a bunch of Halfminds. Don’t make trail too difficult or we’re going to get lost.   Dung Fu was RA and appointed Just Frank as Beer Fairy.  First down down was for the hashers who made it to beer check.  Princess Di (arrhea), Fap Jack, Pink Cherry Licker, and Hooker on Kronix, Bitch!  Fap Jack spilled his first beer, so he got a second down down for insurance.  TIMMY!!! was called up for not bringing hash dinner again!  Some of us had a long trail (6.4 miles to be exact) and were starving.  We knew we couldn’t raid Puff’s refrigerator.  Not much in there.  I checked.   Hugh Heifer offered to “train” the new Beer Meister, but he didn’t think it was necessary.  He gave some lame excuse how chips weren’t healthy.  LOL.  Don’t forget the chips!  We’re counting on you!  Hooker on Kronix, Bitch!  was called up for doing a Sanford & Son impression.  Who even remembers that show?  Fingernips presented Dung Fu with a gift.  A Detroit Motown Hash hat.  Dung Fu said it was his second mother hash and was pretty psyched.  Wicked Retahted, Banana Basher and Accuprick drank for not doing trail.   They went to the Double O to watch hockey.  Twisted Fister celebrated his 75^th Hash Analversary.  Get a life!  Backsliders Six of Nine, Fingernips and Princess Di(arrhea) drank.  And last but not least, the Hares………………………….

This week’s hash on Thursday December 11^th will be our Anal Toys for Tots Hash!  The start location will be at JJ’s Bar, 4714 Soquel Drive in Soquel Village.  Hares will be Summer’s Yeast and Stub Rub.  Bring one or more unwrapped toys.   Even if you’re a Scrooge and don’t like kids or Christmas, or if you don’t want to do trail, stop by and drop off a donation anyway.  It won’t kill you to do something nice.  There are a lot of needy kids in our community who could use a little Christmas cheer.  It’s not their fault they’re poor.  Right?  Like Banana Basher said, Surf City does these charity events as a cover, so the community thinks we’re a “legit” running club, and not just a bunch of degenerate drunks.  So let’s keep up appearances and donate a lot of toys this year!

On On,

Shallow Hole