It was TIMMY!!!’s 65^th birthday and it appears age might be catching up to him from the looks of this trail. Virgin hare TitsNGame may be off her game too from the way this trail went down.

The half minds met at Ye ‘Ole Watering Hole. TIMMY!!! told everyone TitsNGame had a birthday coming up too. Her (first) husband Just Nate whispered it was actually last Friday. It is the old man’s 65th so what can you expect? Turns out you can expect many more questions from what we found on this trail.

Accuprick showed up with a tapped knee. No one asked what he was doing on his knees to wear them out, probably because they were too scared he’d offer to show instead of tell. I overheard ThmpThmp, Princess Di (arrhea) & Accuprick talking about eating like a man with two assholes. I didn’t ask for details. Foot Pussy showed up with a fanny pack to soothe his ass swelling. Again, no need to ask for details, but there was something said about a motorcycle gang. Summer’s Yeast had her new shiggy socks that declared her the wino we know her to be.

Trail started off from the back of Ye ‘Ole Watering Hole where New Kids on My Cock threw down Party Snaps to get the hashers moving. This Dementia Trail as we came to call it was a maze of back checks, missing liquor checks and half minds wondering aimlessly. As the hashers set out on trail, there was quickly a check followed by another check that kept hashers moving in every direction.

Liquor check was stashed under a bridge and while hashers found the LC, there was none of the famous Fireball Whiskey that the TIMMY!!! hashes are known for. Some lucky people beat the hashers to it. Bacon Queef was packing so some of the half minds got a LC at least. Others made their own by stopping at the neighborhood liquor store while they questioned where this trail was headed.

After that, trail went into the Bermuda Circles where some parts were never found again. There was a 5 back check, a 7 back check, and a 9 back check. At one point, hashers ran into each other as some came from the back of the trail while others ran what they think was true trail. Ho to Housewife finally just took off and found trail on her own. The rest of us suffered a little longer trying to find true trail.

Finally, everyone made it to beer check at TIMMY’S!!! where there was beer and fancy tiramisu and a rare Ms. TIMMY!!! sighting. Ms. TIMMY!!! accompanied the hashers on accordion as they sang Happy Birthday Fuck You to the possibly senile TIMMY!!! Pink Cherry Licker had put together a beer can walker to help the old guy out, it’s a good thing too because he probably needed it by the end of this night.

There was a rumor spreading around that Grocho Cocks picked up an abondoned phone at beer check to take a photo of his cock. Wicked Retarhdard said, “that sounds like a little problem to me.” Hashers considered renaming him iCock.

Religion was held behind Safeway. The trail must have really worn out Hugh Heifer and Electric Labia Land because they set up a cozy blanket and snuggled in like they were on a picnic or something. I overheard Hugh Heifer and Occasional Rapist talking about the missing liquor check and how they knew how to hide liquor down holes better than these hares. No one commented on that.

There was a resurrection on trail when TitsNGame & Bacon Queef showed up with the missing Fire Ball, preserving the TIMMY!!! legacy of making Fire Ball a part of the trail. Someone asked what Fapjack wore under his kilt, he said “several shades of lipstick thank you very much”

Accuprick was the RA. He selected Groucho Cocks as beer fairy.

Crimes on trail included Flapjack & PCL missing liquor check, Shiny Snail Trail for backsliding (who was nostalgic for her naming in this very spot a few years ago), Dung Fu called Bacon Queef out for Chivalry on trail and Ho to Housewife was called for finding trail on her own.

We had one virgin, Virgin Jo, brought by Bacon Queef. Timmy pushed his walker through the half mind crowd hoping Virgin Jo would choose to show a body part only to be disappointed with a lame joke.

We had a few birthdays including Timmy who slowly made his way up using his new walker, Tits N Game, Stub Rub and Just Foot Pussy. Happy Birthday Fuck You to all of them!

Twisted Fister celebrated hash 69. (Get a life!)

Hares Timmy & TitsNGame were called up and that made it a night for this hash.

Hashers went on to the Parish Publick House for on on on.

That’s the trash for Hash 768!

Dung Fu Grip and Fap Jack came up with an interesting theme for this week’s hash.  Instead of schwag beer and cheesy poofs, it was all champagne wishes and caviar dreams.  Instead of wearing the usual shorts and T-shirts, hashers were asked to dress up in formalwear and show up at the 515 Kitchen and Cocktails on Cedar Street.  There should’ve been a red carpet and fashion police!  Can you imagine Joan Rivers (God rest her soul) asking “Which Goodwill did you buy your dress at”?  I got mine at Savers.  I know why it ended up there.  The pink glitter was all over me by the end of the night and I left a glitter trail everywhere I went.  Everyone looked fabulous.  Harriettes showed up in evening gowns and cocktail dresses.  Even Hugh Heifer “aka the Hippy” looked lovely.  I’m assuming the coat was fake fur.  The guys did not disappoint either.  They may be drunks on bar stools most of the time, but proved they can clean up nice once in a while.  Dung Fu Grip and Fap Jack and courtesy Flush looked dapper in suits.  Even surfer hippie Wicked Retahted wore a suit!  Fucked Over Fest broke out a bright red pimp suit from high school.  Surprisingly, the outfit worked for him.  Now we know how he earned his college money.  TIMMY!!! and Twisted Fister made a half assed attempt at a suit and wore sport jackets with shorts.  Evidently a few people didn’t get the memo.   Dog Breath showed up in a nasty T-shirt and shorts.  Twat Did You Say? wore running clothes.  Broke bench Mountain wore a button down shirt and jeans.  Porter the dog didn’t have an outfit.  Puff showed up dressed like Puff.  Big shocker!  Who said OP’s were not formalwear?    We had one Virgin!  Wicked Retahted brought Virgin Eddie, who proved to be an interesting character.

Trail started with a little jaunt around downtown, then took the pack down Water Street, turned left on May Street, up to Emeiline Ave.  I heard a weird crunching noise behind me.  I turned around and there was Courtesy Flush eating chips as he was running.  He had time to stop at a taqueria and get a burrito.  There was a champagne check under a bridge under highway 1.  It was the very spot where Occasional Rapist got named.  Memories!  The flour continued down the Carbonera Creek trail, then along the Branciforte Creek trail.  Several FRB’s, Dog Breath, Courtesy Flush, Thmp-Thmp, Ho to Housewife and yours truly, got suckered into a nasty YBF up a big hill.  Those bastards!  There was a second champagne check shortly afterward and we forgot about it quickly.  Beer check was further down the creek trail.  dBASED claimed to “accidently” take a wrong turn on May Street and short cutted trail.  There was no caviar, but the Hares served up excellent bread and cheeses.

Religion was at the silver bullet (on top of the Oswald parking garage).  TIMMY!!! was RA and Broke Bench Mountain and his dog Porter were beer fairies.  Occasional Rapist was congratulated on her 169^th Surf City Hash!   Get a life!  Wicked Retahted, Twat Did You Say? and Fingernips were called up for being backsliders.  They all gave lame excuses.  Wicked Retahted had some toenail fungus going on, Twat Did You Say? was busy being a foster mom and Fingernips was busy traveling and fucking.  They tried to call up Virgin Eddie, but he had a paranoid freak out and ran away.  LOL.  I can’t remember that happening before.  The pack quickly forgot about him.  Best dressed went to Fucked Over Fest, Dung Fu Grip, Occasional Rapist, Fingernips, Ska Skank Redemption, Hugh Heifer and Courtesy Flush.  Ska Skank Redemption drank for being a visitor.  Fucked Over Fest, Occasional Rapist and Princess Di (arrhea) drank for using technology on trail.  They couldn’t help it.  The Giants game was on and it was the game they won to put them into the fucking World Series man!  Courtesy Flush was punished for stopping to get a burrito on trail.  Dog Breath, Thmp-Thmp, Ho to Housewife, Courtesy Flush and yours truly drank for being stupid enough to run up a big hill to a YBF.  And last but not least, the Hares………………………

On On,

Shallow Hole

Hash 766 started at Moe’s Alley, where we teased the local band with a big turn out but then left before they even started playing. The night started out with some interesting “points”. The first point being DBASED reminiscing with me about a previous race chaffing issue he had several years ago. “Just the tip” wasn’t anything to laugh about in this story. We all got a bit of a shock when some of our virgins from the week before returned, now Just Kate and Just Jackson. They claimed they had fun the week before, we must have done different trails.

Soon, hares Princess Diarrhea and Summer’s Yeast were off, the pack not far behind! The trail started with going through Dominican Hospital then ventured directly into the cemetery, similar to several other hospital goer’s routes before us. The lights were going down and the hares made gave us a “boo” big enough to make some of us completely miss liquor check, myself included.

The trail started to get into the woods and then the stairs came. Flashlights were a necessity or you had to keep up with someone who had one. In my case, this unfortunately meant Dung Fu, who I am sure was slowing down for me as I was struggling to keep up with him! The woods and the stairs went on for what felt like hours until we finally surfaced at Charminade, where Shallow Hole and Maxi Pad ended their days of unholy mattress acrobatics and joined together as husband and wife. There is only one way to go from here, it’s down. We ran all the way down Thurber until we saw the BN markings then what appeared to be a hare snare. DBASE says he snagged Summer’s Yeast from behind but she claims it didn’t count. At least that’s what she told Stub Nub. The pack voted and agreed with Summer’s Yeast that since the snare took place after the BN was written that it doesn’t count. I think it does count that when the FRB’s got to BN there wasn’t beer yet, but it was quickly supplied. The pack slowly started to trickle in, really… slowly…. In the meantime we tried to wish Giant Asexual’s mom a happy birthday, but he wasn’t having it. The DFL’s finally got around to joining us, but not before Virgin Taylor took off before beer check ended. At least he flashed us.

We headed on over to Bobby’s Pit Stop for religion and Dung Fu started sprouting Santa Cruz local foliage straight from his mouth. Apparently that stuff grows best with a healthy supply of beer because by the end of religion it had tripled! Backsliders Twisted Fister, Tits and Game and Just Sara were given down-downs, although I think Just Sara had her down-down come up-up the next morning because she and Occassional Rapist had hit up the previously thought to be closed, WindJammer prior to the hash and might have been a bit tipsy. Occassional was nowhere to be seen on trail and Just Sara needed Accuprick’s assistance to make it through trail without breaking her leg. Finally, someone needed Accu for something! He will treasure that night forever. Puff the Magic Drag Queen celebrated his 750th hash analversary and Dung Fu Grip is following in his footsteps with his own analversary. Get a life guys!

Next week’s hash will have us “Dressed to the Nines” and begin at 515 Kitchen and Cocktails, a place for only the hippest of Santa Cruz, where we will be twisted and turned around by hares Fap Jack and Dung Fu Grip.

Tunnels of Terror

I was looking forward to this week’s trail.  Puff the Magic Drag Queen and Dung Fu Grip told the pack we were starting trail at the Santa Cruz Mountain Brewery.  They have great beer and I love the West Side.  Then I saw this week’s trail announcement.  I thought to myself, “Oh fuck!  Where are those bastards taking us?”  We’ve hashed all over the West Side numerous times and I know that area really well.  They were supposedly taking us to less visited, seldom seen places that no one wants to visit.  This trail was supposed to separate “the REAL hashers, from the fair-weathered variety.”  I’m a real hasher.  I’ve been around the proverbial hashers block a few times.  Occasional Rapist and I were knee deep in mud in Savannah at America’s Interhash 2010.  Surf City has survived numerous dBASED trails.  He had us swimming in the mouth of the San Lorenzo River at the M-Word Run last year.  How bad could this trail be?  Despite the ominous warning, a large pack was brave enough to show up.  Ho to Housewife brought 3 Virgins!  I thought to myself, those poor suckers have no idea what they’re in for.  Glad most of the pack listened and brought flashlights.  Photos courtesy of Occasional Rapist, who served at stunt hash flasher since Puff was haring.

Trail was about 3 miles, but felt much longer due to the shigginess factor.  It started out the back of the bar.  After the first check near the railroad tracks was solved, the pack headed across Mission Street to Grandview.  I think most of us figured they would go into the shiggy.  There was flour leading up to Arroyo Seco Canyon.  But a confusing back check sent the pack on a wild goose chase.  After searching in every conceivable direction, someone finally found flour that went through a condo complex.  At the dead end, we were supposed to climb over a small fence, go down an embankment into a tunnel that went under Mission Street.  There was a bum wine check for “liquid courage” before the entrance of the tunnel.  Sorry Dung Fu, Jewish grape juice doesn’t qualify as liquid courage.  We needed some hard liquor, like Jamison or Jim beam for that!  There was a lot of litter in the tunnel suggesting that it was probably inhabited by homeless people.  Luckily no one was home at the time we passed through.  No water or rats either.  We thought the worst was behind us, but we were wrong!  It was pretty dark by this time.  Flour lead us down the Mission Street extension for a few blocks, but entered the woods again through somewhat of a path on the right.  I’m sure this path would be hard enough to traverse in the daylight.  In the pitch dark, it was quite challenging.  I don’t know what was worse.  Mounds of PO, getting scraped up by picker bushes, snagged on barbed wire or the second tunnel!  This one was longer and darker, but everyone passed through unscathed.  We climbed up a nasty ass hill to a field that lead us out on Mission Street by the cow pasture across the street from the Wilder bike path.  Several hashers got confused by arrows on the road that were part of the Santa Cruz Triathlon the weekend before.  Trail headed straight down Shaffer Road, went left on the railroad tracks and through another shiggy section of Antonelli Pond.  Once we got to Delaware Street, there was yet another shiggy section through Natural Bridges.  Not sure how, but everyone survived and made it to beer check down the road on Delaware Street.  The Hares probably feared lynching, so they put out a delicious spread of cheese, fruit, veggies and bread from Whole Foods.  Ho to Housewife’s Virgins all survived.  Just Luke seemed to enjoy himself.  dBASED found Virgins Kate and Jackson on trail and escorted them to beer check.  We probably won’t see them again.

Religion was in the parking lot near the start.  They put up a fence next to the railroad tracks, so we couldn’t have Religion in the usual spot.  Accuprick was RA and Cock Throbbin’ was Beer Fairy.  First down downs went to backsliders, Accuprick, Courtesy Flush, Slownad, and Princess Di(arrhea) was stunt drinker for her sister Cumcerto.  Cumcerto apparently went home because she got lost.  Virgins Kate, Luke and Jackson all told lame jokes.  Welcome to the hash!  We’ll see if they ever show up again.  Thmp-Thmp and Hugh Heifer drank for getting lost on trail.  They blamed dBASED for making them go the wrong way.  dBASED drank for being an asshole.  He dropped his phone in the bar and some girl thought she was being nice and picked it up and gave it back to him.  She called him and asshole for not saying thank you!  Where are your manners?  Courtesy Flush was rewarded for his chivalry on trail.  He waited for everyone at the fence to make sure everyone got down through the tunnel.  Dogbreath drank because he complained someone else drank from his dog bowl.  Grow up!  LOL.  Giant Asexual and Just Schuyler drank for playing silly games on trail.  Thmp-Thmp celebrated his 150^th Surf City Hash!  Get a life!  Get a life!  And last but not least, the Hares……………………..   

On On,

Shallow Hole

Trail 764 started off at Sante Adairius Rustic Ales, because apparently we’re all hipsters now. We appreciate a beverage that goes well with a pair of skinny jeans and an ironic mustache. They have beers with names like “Lucybelle,” “Maiden Fields,” “West Ashley,” and “Saison Bernice.” You know, real manly stuff. It’s also beyond Siri’s ability to get you to this chic watering hole. That’s so weird because it’s between a frontage road, a trailer park, and some creepy commercial space, just where everyone expects to find a place to drink after work.
Trail was brought to us yet again by husband and wife team dBASED and Occasional Rapist. They were flummoxed the week before when the incomparable trail brought to you by Bacon Queef, Fap Jack, and your intrepid scribe covered “about 2/3 of the trail they had planned,” and they were off camping all week with no time to scout a new trail. Boy did it show.
We wound back out of the bizarre little enclave that hides St. Addy’s and into a complex. There were some folks chillin’ with a few brew by the hot tub, having so much more fun than the pack. From there it looked like we might head back into another hobo jungle, but that was all just a clever rouse to slow us down before spitting us back onto the streets. We hit the first of the few checks on arduous trail and ended up heading south on the frontage road. Fap Jack and I went down that way for quite some time before getting bored and giving up, so everything else I say about trail is only rumor. I hear that trail eventually veered off the monotony of the frontage road in favor of the monotony of some railroad tracks, and that on those tracks dBASED was snared not once, but twice by his own offspring, Hot Wheels. I see pictures of people running on New Brighton State Beach, so through my powers of deduction, I say trail probably went through there. I met back up with the pack as trail came back around toward the brewery to a beer check down a side street. We were too loud for the neighbors and had to pack it in and head for religion.
TIMMY!! served as RA and chose Waxipad as his beer fairy. Then it was time for down downs. Our GMs were called up for making us circle up in mud puddles. All of the harriettes got very excited when TIMMY called up Virgin Ben and gave him his choices, but all we got was a lame joke. Hot Wheels and dBASED debated the merits of the snare. The hares drank for their shitty trail.
It was a pretty typical religion, until Moose Knuckle (extreme backslider) announced an auction for who could drink the most cans of down down beer in order to win a t-shirt. Well this is America after all, land of doing-whatever-it-takes-to-win-a-t-shirt. There were several bidders, but it was Fuckedover Fest who finally got to down six cans of warm, shitty beer in order to win a shitty t-shirt. Then it was off to Burger for on on on and a chance to soak up some of that beer.